


Love Across Time and Space

by Kethrielle



Series: Soulmates AU [2]
Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Empathic Bonds, F/M, Slow Build, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-12
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-10-18 04:34:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 33,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10609365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kethrielle/pseuds/Kethrielle
Summary: If you knew there was one person (out of the billions of people spread across the galaxy) who was your perfect partner, what would you do to find them?  What would you do if they were lost forever?What would you do if they weren't as lost as you thought?Mass Effect AU where everyone has a soulmate.  (Same story, better summary!)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sara does consider suicide at one point in the chapter. Not graphic.

Sara Ryder woke up screaming.

She was thirteen years old, had just seen her mother killed by a beast which appeared out of nowhere, and she couldn’t stop screaming.

Her bedroom door banged open, her parents rushing into her room.  

Her father entered first, loaded gun in his hand, eyes moving around the room in a professional assessment:  _ window, closet, under the bed _ .   _ Clear. _

Her mother followed, not waiting for her father’s all clear, and came immediately to Sara’s bed, sitting beside her and enveloping her in a hug.

“Shh, darling, shh.  What is it?”

Sara sat there, clinging to her mother, gasping for breath.  Her eyes stared wildly around the room and she was surprised to see it’s familiar confines.

“I saw my mother die.  Some… some beast…”  her voice trailed off as shivers coursed through her body.

“I’m right here, darling.  You couldn’t have seen that.  I’m right here.”  Her mother pressed a soothing kiss to her forehead, one hand brushing Sara’s dark brown hair off her face.

Slowly, Sara looked at her mother, her eyes focusing, and some of the terror leaving her.  “I… I guess I didn’t  _ see _ it, exactly.  But I felt it.  I knew what had happened… the shock when the animal appeared, then… terror.  And grief.”

Alec Ryder sat heavily on the other side of the bed, his free hand gripping Sara’s.  “A dream, sweatheart, just a dream.  See, you’re safe here; your mother and I, and Scott… all safe.”

Sara was nodding, her eyes fixed on her father’s calm face.  She missed the look her mother shot her father, but when Ellen spoke, her voice was equally calm.  “We’re all safe, darling.”  Her mother kissed her again, and helped her lie back down.  “Get some sleep now, we’re all safe here.”

Sara laid down obediently, and her parents left the room.  She wasn’t able to go back to sleep though.  The dream replayed in her mind; the quick flash of images swiftly fading, but the emotions staying vivid and present.

Eventually, she drifted back to sleep, vaguely aware of her parents’ tight, tense voices, arguing long into the night.

 

* * *

 

Sara Ryder woke up sobbing.

She was fifteen years old, and had been... betrayer, betrayed... all at once.  Guilt for the betrayal, anger for the guilt.  Sorrow at being being betrayed, emptiness following hard on its heels.  

A wordless feeling: it was time to give up on finding perfection, and settle for happiness - however brief.  It wasn’t betrayal, it  _ wasn’t _ .  Perfection couldn’t always be found, couldn’t always be had.  Was it so wrong to want happiness?

She had lost something she had never had, but had wanted desperately, though she didn’t even know what it was.  And now she would never find it.

Scott found her, laying in bed, crying her eyes out and unable to explain what was wrong, except that she had “lost” something or someone that she didn’t know.  Frustrated with this girlish nonsense, he went to find their mother.

Ellen came, took one look at her sobbing daughter, and sent Scott off to school alone.

Sara turned over to face the wall when her mother sat on her bed, unwilling to explain yet another dream that left her overwrought and emotional.  

Her father had long since lost patience with her and her dreams; he kept insisting that she simply needed to better master her emotions, not let them run away with her.   _ Sensitive _ he called her;  _ foolish _ is what she suspected he meant.  Nonetheless, he had taught her some meditation and calming techniques to help her recover herself.  Usually they helped, Sara thought they helped more than her father realized… she certainly felt these odd, swooping, slightly distant emotions more often than she let on.

Her mother had never been anything but patient and understanding.  Whether her teenage daughter had crying fits for no reason, felt sullen and angry but couldn’t explain what had caused those feelings, or woke from nightmares with a shout, Ellen was always a calming presence, soothing, reassuring, and ready to forgive or offer comfort.

Sara looked back at her mother through eyes swollen with weeping.

“I’m going to be alone forever, now.  I don’t know why.  Just… part of my heart is gone.  Lost.  I can’t explain it any better.”

Ellen sighed, one hand rubbing gently down her daughter’s back, as she stared into space.  “It may not be forever, darling.  You never know how things will work out.  You may get it back eventually.  Not all stories end the same way.”

Sara frowned.  “What do you mean?  Aren’t you going to tell me it’s just a dream?”

Ellen’s eyes snapped back to her daughter, her brow furrowing slightly.  She glanced at Sara, then away.

“That’s not what I meant, darling.  I understand how real all this feels, that’s all.  That’s all I meant.”  Ellen picked at the fabric of the blanket, then stood abruptly.

“Get some rest, Sara.  I’ll bring you breakfast in a little bit.”  She stood and  was gone before Sara could say a word.  

Sara stared at the door, then got up, quietly, and shuffled down the hall, being as silent as she could.  In the kitchen, she could hear her mother’s voice, tight with more emotions than she could name.  And answering her from the vidcom, her father’s voice.

“Alec, we have to tell her.  This pretending it’s just dreams nonsense isn’t working.”

“No, Ellen.  We can’t, you know we can’t.  How many people manage to lead a normal life, knowing this?  Not many.   If it works out, great, then we’ll tell her.  But you know how rare that is.  There are just too many people in this galaxy, the odds against it working out, or even of her finding him are astronomical.  It’s better this way.  She needs to live her life, for herself, not for some phantom.  No.  We can’t tell her.”

Ellen nodded sadly, and shut off the vidcomm, while Sara made her way silently back to her room, wondering what in the world she had just overheard.

 

* * *

 

Sara Ryder woke up gasping for breath.

She was eighteen years old, and she had just died from a shot to the chest.  Her hands clutched the fabric of her nightgown, wrinkling the thin material as she tried to reassure herself that she was whole.

Slowly, her racing heartbeat returned to normal, and a new sensation overtook her.

_ Emptiness _ .  She was alone in a way that she had never been before; missing a piece that she hadn’t even been aware existed.  Hope was completely gone.

Sara looked around her room.  It was still the middle of the night, her parents and Scott still slept.  This time, at least, her nightmare hadn’t disturbed anyone else.  

Silently, her mind prodding again and again at this new sensation of emptiness, she stood up, and walked into the kitchen.  She found a sharp knife, and carried it back to her room.  Sitting in the middle of her bed, she folded her legs, set the knife in front of her, and contemplated it.

On the face of it, none of this made sense.  Sleep couldn’t rob her of an essential part of herself.  Dreaming of death, even if it was somehow her own, couldn’t kill her.  Even the strange dreams and feelings, taken altogether over years, wasn’t really enough to make her spend her life alone if she didn’t want to.  

She pushed up the sleeves of her nightgown, and studied the blue veins in her arms, feeling detached; feeling as if perhaps she  _ had _ died, and her body just hadn’t realized it yet.

So why did she feel as if there was no longer a reason to live?  As if that essential piece of herself that she’d been longing for without knowing it - misplaced somewhere perhaps, but not  _ gone _ , not really - somehow, suddenly,  _ was _ gone.  Beyond any hope of retrieval.

Did she really want to go through life so… incomplete?

She was still sitting there, staring at the knife, staring at her bare wrists, when her father knocked briskly, pushing the door open when he didn’t receive an answer.

His horrified glance took in his daughter, and the knife in front of her, in a split second before he moved.

Alec crossed the room in two quick strides, snatched the knife up, and threw it far under the bed.  In the same motion, he scooped Sara up and carried her to his own room, putting her on the bed there with a jolt which woke Ellen.

His voice shaking, he explained to his sleep-fogged wife what had happened, words tumbling over each other in his increasing  panic.  When Ellen’s only response was to narrow her eyes and say, “I  _ told  _ you,” in a sharp tone, he fell into a shocked silence.  His eyes jerked from Ellen to Sara, and back.

“Fine.  You were right.  So fix it.”  And he practically ran from the room, slamming the door after him.

Sara stared at the door for a moment, then looked at her mother.  She was still feeling rather distant from events, from herself; unconcerned that she had been contemplating suicide, unconcerned that she had been stopped, only slightly curious about her father’s odd behavior.

Ellen sat up, and sighed.  She reached over and took Sara’s hands, and asked about the dream.  Sara told her, still feeling rather numb from the enormity of the dream; though she was distantly glad not to relive the emotions as she spoke them.  

When she finished, Ellen moved so Sara had to meet her eyes, and finally told her the truth.

“Darling, it will be alright.  I know this has all been confusing for you, but I hope you’ll understand soon.

“You know that everyone, all of us, and all of the species we’ve met so far, have soul mate bonds.  Everyone seems to call them something different, but it all boils down to the same thing.”  

Sara nodded, it had been one of her favorite daydreams when she was younger.  

Ellen continued.  “Well, it’s not common, but some people have an empathic connection to their soul mate.  It seems to be more common in biotics, or as a result of eezo exposure.  Not everyone with the connection can feel much from it; for most, it's nothing more than a gentle yearning.  Some people ignore it completely, and get on with their lives.  Hope for the best, but don’t get hung up on it.”

Sara pulled her hands away from her mother, disbelief turning into anger.  “I don’t think ‘gentle yearning’ quite covers things, Mother.”

Ellen nodded.  “I know.  More rarely, the connection is stronger.  You’ve been feeling it for years, the dreams, the odd echo of emotions… it’s all been from your soul mate, whoever he is.”

“But... you lied to me!  Why did you lie all these years?  I thought there was something wrong with me!”

“There’s nothing wrong with you, darling.  You’re beautiful, and brilliant, and passionate.  It isn’t a surprise that your connection is so strong.  But that’s _why_ we lied to you.  Do you know how many people there are in this galaxy?  We’ve seen cross-species soul mate bonds, so you have to add in all the races in the Milky Way.  The odds against finding the one person who is tied to you like this, are so incredibly small as to be almost impossible.  Most people go through their entire lives without ever meeting their soul mate.  

“Your father and I thought that it would be best if you didn’t have to live with that burden.  If you could just believe those emotions didn’t mean anything, you could find happiness of your own.  We didn’t want you to spend your life chasing a ghost.  We’ve seen it, and we wanted better for you.”

Sara’s breath was coming in gasps now, her cheeks flushed bright with anger.  “And now?  What now?  What happened?”

Ellen sighed sadly, and dropped her eyes from her daughter’s.  “From what you’ve said, he - whoever he was - died.”

A strangled sob escaped Sara, and Ellen stood, moving to wrap her daughter in her arms, but Sara backed away, and shook her head.

“Dead.  He’s dead.  My soul mate is dead, and I never even knew I had one.  I could have looked… could have tried… something…”  Her voice trailed off, then firmed.  “You took that from me.  You and Dad.  I’ll never forgive you for that.”

Sara turned and left the room.  

 

* * *

  
Two days later, she enlisted in the Systems Alliance and left the Citadel without saying goodbye to her parents.


	2. Chapter 2

The first thing Sara learned in System Alliance boot camp was this: Keep Moving.

Mission gone sideways?  Keep moving.  Half your equipment and three quarters of your rations are missing or destroyed?  Keep moving.  Lost and separated from your team?  Keep moving.

Not blindly, of course; first, figure out where you were and what you had to work with.  Then make a plan.  Then  _ move. _

Moving gave you purpose, gave you options, gave you (a chance at) life.

Not moving never solved a thing, and often made the situation worse.

Keep moving.

In the rare moments that Sara had time to think about anything besides the next challenge that would be thrown at her, she figured this was a pretty good way of dealing with most parts of life.  Certainly it was a better way of dealing with this indescribable, nebulous grief.  So, she moved.

The second thing that Sara learned in boot camp was this: eventually, sheer mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion will wear away the sharp edges of anger and grief, until it is a smooth thing that you can live with.  Not easily, not comfortably, and certainly not forgetfully, but you  _ could _ live with it.

Like the rotten board on one of the obstacle courses; they all learned to avoid stepping on it, so no one got hurt… but the very act of avoiding it kept that board in their thoughts, they could never forget it.  Sara learned to live with her grief in the same way; never forgetting it, just… avoiding it.

And so, at the end of three weeks of boot camp, when she finally returned to her barracks room, and had access to her terminal, she was pleased to see messages from her family, instead of angry.  

There were three from her mother, all variations on a theme.   _ I love you.  I’m sorry we hurt you.  Be safe.  CALL ME. _  She would, in a bit.  Despite her angry words, they had both known that it wasn’t possible for her to stay away from them forever.  They were family.

There was a message from Scott, which sounded distinctly worried and very unlike her twin.

_ Sara-vara,  _

_ Don’t hate me!  I swear, I didn’t know anything about anything!  Honest! _

_ ~Scott _

She replied to that one immediately,

_ Hey baby brother, _

_ I’ve always known that - glad you’re finally admitting it! _

_ Love you, _

_ Sara _

This, of course, prompted a more Scott-like letter in return.

_ Oh wise and knowledgeable elder sister, _

_ See what I get for being nice?  Hmph.   Come home soon, I’m headed off to boot camp myself - can’t be too far behind you, again! _

_ ~Scott _

_ P.S. I’m only one minute younger than you!  Twit!  _

The letter from her father was predictably straightforward.   _ I’m sorry you’re hurt.  I love you.  _ _ I’m proud of you.   _

Not, she noticed with a grudging feeling of amusement, “I’m sorry I lied to you.”  That was Dad, though, once he decided on something, he saw it through, and never second guessed himself.  He may have changed course when needed, but he never moaned about things that were done.  Right.   _ Keep moving. _  Her father had gone through the Alliance training as well.

 

* * *

 

She did go home, of course, before her first posting, and as often as possible between missions.  Often, it was just her and her mother in their apartment on the Citadel; Scott had been stationed out at Arcturas, and Dad had never spent much time at home anyway.  

In some ways, this was good.  She loved spending time with her mother, talking over her work guarding scientists on distant planets.  In other ways, it was uncomfortable.

The privacy gave her mother far too tempting an opportunity to quiz her on her love life.  Sara’s first reaction was shock.  

“How can you ask me that?  How would I ever be able to be in a relationship with someone else, knowing they weren’t the right one?”

Ellen sighed.  “Sweetheart, most people don’t find their soul mate.  A good portion of people don’t even really bother to look.  The rest look for a time, then find someone they can care about without that tie, and get on with their lives.”

“Most people.”  Sara scowled.  “Most people don’t know anything about their soul mate, may not even really believe they have one.  I’m not most people.  I  _ know _ I have - had - a soul mate, and he’s gone.  How could I try to shove anyone else into being the... the matching part of me that I could almost feel, but was always just out of reach?  It wouldn’t be fair to either of us.  

“I’d always be looking at him and wondering: what would the right one have done differently?”

Her mother looked at her with tears swimming in her eyes.  “People do go on after losing someone they love.  You don’t have to think that way, act that way.  It may take more work, but all relationships take work, darling.  I know this is the worst thing that has ever happened to you, but it isn't the worst thing that can happen in this galaxy.  I hate to see you living your life alone; I want you to be happy.”

Sara took a deep breath, and reigned in her temper.  Her mother didn’t understand.  How could she?   _ She  _ had found her soulmate.  

It was a story Sara had loved to hear when she was younger.  How her mother, eating dinner with her parents, looked up as Alec walked through the restaurant.  Their eyes met, and she stood up, walking away from her parents in the middle of a conversation, paying no attention to anyone but Alec.  He had stood there while his friends jostled him, trying to get his attention, staring at her in shock.  He’d recognized her as soon as their eyes met - soulmates always did - but he hadn’t truly believed he had one until that moment.

They had been inseparable after that, of course.  His friends, her family, they all came a distant second in Ellen and Alec’s attention.  The wedding had quickly followed.

Now though, the story just emphasized how little her mother could understand Sara’s loss.  This  _ was _ the worst thing that could happen to her, and it would never be made right, or even easier.  

Sara looked into her mother’s eyes, worried and filled with love for her, and knew she couldn’t explain any of that.  Instead, she mustered a smile and said,

“I’ll try to keep an open mind, mom.  And I truly am happy.  Honestly.”

The conversation moved on to easier topics, they enjoyed the rest of their evening, and when Sara returned to her team, she managed to push the conversation to the back of her mind.

 

* * *

 

This was the conversation she would remember when she went home for dinner to find out that her mother had accomplished the impossible: Scott and their father were both home at the same time.

It was only after dinner that she learned that there really were worse things that could happen than losing someone you’d never met, and never known.  

Her mother was dying, and nothing any of them could do would stop it.  

When her father finally explained his work with the Initiative, and asked them to go with him to Andromeda, Sara and Scott didn’t hesitate.  They signed on with the Andromeda Initiative, and went to sleep for 600 years. 

  
Sara’s last thought before falling into cryosleep was that perhaps her two griefs, public and private, would not survive the trip through dark space.  


	3. Chapter 3

They all called it "cryosleep," but that was a misnomer. "Suspended animation" was far more accurate… they entered cryostasis, and everything stopped. Heartbeat, cell growth and death, and all brain function. They would wake up six hundred years later feeling as if they had only just closed their eyes. To the smallest atom, they would be unchanged by the passage of time. No muscle atrophy, no aging of any sort. No awareness of the time that passed, no dreams.

At least, that was the way it was supposed to work.

Sara Ryder dreamed.

A small, deep corner of her mind somehow continued to work, synapses firing. This strange anomaly occurred below consciousness; she wasn't aware of the passage of time, wasn't aware that she dreamed, and certainly wasn't aware enough to realize that this was wrong.

Nonetheless, she dreamt, and the emotions in her dreams stayed with her. Without her conscious mind to hold the concept of self, she lived her dreams, and had no incredulity to mar them.

* * *

 

He was a hunter.

He moved silently, gracefully, through the underbrush, searching for the prey that would feed his daar for the next few days. He clutched his rifle in three fingered hands, large eyes scanning the darkness of the canyon floor.

There.

He saw the motion the challyrion made before he saw the creature itself, but that didn't matter. His finger squeezed, and the animal seemed to appear from nowhere as the bolt found it's head; it fell over, and he grinned fiercely as he walked over to it.

His first solo kill, years younger than most hunters managed such a thing. Surely now, he would be accepted by his family and friends. Surely now, he had proven himself to be whole, useful, worthy, despite the crippling lack….

He shook the thoughts away, they had no place in this time of triumph. With a grunt, he lifted the dead challyrion, and made his way home.

* * *

 

He was a student.

He spent years studying every piece of history he could lay his hands on. Every written word, every recorded oral story of his people.

And finally, his hard work had paid off. He had been invited to join the sages at Mithrava, to study, to learn with them, and - perhaps - to become one of them.

His sense of pride in this accomplishment almost overwhelmed the certain knowledge of his deficiency that he had carried since childhood. Almost, but not quite. He would never be good enough, never be worthy…

It didn't matter now. The crippling loneliness would only be useful now; the sages maintained a minimum of contact with the rest of society. The pressing knowledge of inadequacy had already served him well, driving him to learn more, learn faster, study longer than any of his peers.

The sages may or may not have the same ties as the rest of the angara, but they certainly didn't pursue such ties, and so surely they couldn't place such importance on them as his family did.

Perhaps, in Mithrava, he could finally forget that missing connection, and live his life without feeling that consistent absence as a wound that would not heal.

Perhaps.

* * *

 

The countdown dwindled.

The Hyperion came closer to waking.

There were still years left, still vast distances to cross, but the end was in sight now, and SAM waited patiently for the moment when the Pathfinder would awaken.

What should he tell the Pathfinder of Sara's dreams? He saw them more clearly than she did, she mostly just experienced the emotions. He alone kept track of the dream periods: short, disjointed flashes that came at irregular intervals for years, and the silent stretches of decades between; Sara knew nothing of those. Should he mention it, or stay silent?

In the darkness of the sleeping ship, SAM node was a single spot of light, as SAM wondered.

Slightly less than 30 years now, it didn't seem long compared to the centuries he had waited through.

Suddenly, after a long silence in the recesses of Sara's sleeping mind, a new bright emotion flared.

_Hope. Try again. Maybe this time, it will come out right._

This made no sense to SAM, and the connection was quickly lost, the dream-emotion fading. He knew it would return in time, they always did. Perhaps, this time, Sara would be awake, and able to tell him what was going on. Perhaps Alec would know something about it.

Perhaps, this time, he would learn more.


	4. Chapter 4

The  _ Hyperion  _ raced through space, her passengers, her crew, and her pathfinder still more than a decade away from waking in their new home, their new hope.

On Havarl, the sun was just beginning to crest the horizon.  Perched on an outcropping halfway up the cliff that sheltered his family home, Jaal Ama Darav watched the world awaken on this most important of days.  It was his fifteenth birthday; he had been preparing for this day, and the Ritual, for a year.

A full year of studying with Moshae Sjefa, alongside other children his age, to prepare for the Ritual which would mark their transition from childhood to adulthood.  

One by one, the other students had awoken on their fifteenth birthday.  One by one, they had spent the morning alone with Moshae Sjefa learning - finally! - what the Ritual was.  One by one, they had gone to the anj paara accompanied by every adult in their family and the moshae.  One by one, they had left the building, each with a newly intense focus, a new glow to their bioelectrical fields.  

One by one, they were quizzed by their remaining classmates, only to refuse to answer any questions or give any hint of the Ritual.

Today was Jaal’s turn.  Today, he would learn of the Ritual, perform it, and emerge an adult.  Only Evfra had a birthday later in the year than his.  The wait had been long for both of them, but it was finally Jaal’s turn.  He had woken early, and instead of pacing in his small room and waking his family, he had snuck away to climb the cliff and watch the sunrise.  

The sun was well above the horizon now, the lush plants turning brighter green with the light.  Jaal began the climb down before he could be missed, before one of his mothers came to scold him.

 

* * *

 

Moshae Sjefa smiled at the fidgeting boy in front of her.  She had taught many students over the years but Jaal, with all his questions, had been one of the most challenging.  She could see the questions piling up behind his eyes even now, and decided to start before he voiced them.

“Since the Scourge, our people are few.  Scattered, lost to each other, our history destroyed and forgotten.”

This beginning was sufficiently grim to head off even Jaal’s questions; he stared at her, his eyes wide and his mouth firmly shut.  She smiled slightly, and continued.

“Fortunately, our most important knowledge of ourselves has not been lost: we have been granted a gift.  All angara have been given a soulmate.  A perfect complement to themselves, a partner, one who will help and support them throughout not only this life, but the next as well.

“No gift comes without cost, and the greater the gift, the greater the cost.  This gift then, the greatest any of us will ever receive comes with a very great cost.  We must  _ find _ our soulmate.  Across all the planets, between the stars, we have no way to know where they are, but we must find them.  It is said that for each life in which we find each other, it becomes slightly easier in the next life to find each other again.

“We do have one advantage.  Each of us has the ability to form a connection with our soulmate, this is what the Ritual does.  This connection gives a subtle insight into their emotions, if we listen to it; it will also allow you to instantly recognize your soulmate when you see her.”

Moshae Sjefa fell silent, and watched as Jaal absorbed this information.  She could tell it wasn’t what he had expected - it never was.  This was the angara’s most closely guarded secret, no one learned it until the day of their Ritual.

Finally Jaal looked up at her.  “Respectfully, Moshae, may I ask some questions about this?”

She smiled.  “I would be disappointed if you didn’t, Jaal.  Ask your questions.”

“What will it feel like?  The Ritual?”

“It is difficult to describe exactly, but you will use your bioelectrical field to activate the place of connection in your mind.  If she has completed her Ritual as well, you will feel each other’s emotions.  Not completely, and not clearly.  More, if you concentrate, of course.  Like any other strength, this one grows with practice.”

This led him almost immediately to the next logical question.  “What if she has not completed her Ritual?”

“If she has not, then you will feel an echo… like shouting at a cave wall will bounce your voice back to you, sending your emotions along the connection before her side is open will bounce those emotions back to you.”  In a cautioning tone, she added, “I say that to give you a visual description; this is not something that is under your conscious control, however.  Your emotions will wash over the connection whether you wish it or not.  You only control how well you listen for hers.  This will be helpful, but it is not an easy answer for anything.  You will need to work at your relationship.”

Jaal nodded.  He considered for a moment, then plunged on to his next question.

“What if I do not find her?  What if we both form the connection, but cannot find one another?  There are a great many places I have never been.”

The moshae nodded.  “Indeed, many people do not find their soulmate for precisely that reason.  We do our best to mitigate this problem; the raba garessan for instance, will expose you to a great many new people.  If you do not, it is up to you to decide if you will remain alone and continue to search, or if you will try to find happiness elsewhere.  You can, and some even do, build a life with someone else.  There is no shame in it.  Only you can decide when you have looked long enough, and if you are willing to accept something… less.”

“What if I fail to complete the Ritual?  Fail to make the bond complete?”

Moshae Sjefa shook her head.  “This is not like target practice, Jaal.  You cannot do it  _ close,  _ or  _ halfway, _ or  _ not quite.   _ Either you complete the Ritual and form the bond, or you fail completely.  It will be apparent to all present which way it goes.  You have good control over your bioelectric field however, and no lack of determination.  I do not believe you will fail.”

Jaal nodded thoughtfully, and there was a long pause.  Moshae Sjefa knew what he was going to ask; sooner or later they all asked it.  Jaal didn’t disappoint her.

“Moshae, what if she dies before I find her?  What if she already has died?”  He sounded genuinely concerned at the prospect.

Moshae Sjefa nodded, and tried to put as much reassurance into her reply as she could.  “If she has died, you will have to try to find her in your next life.  As for the Ritual, when you perform it, if she has died, you will know.  When you attempt to form the connection, it will snap back on you.  It is… not permanently damaging, but it is a painful sensation.  After, you will have the same choice: wait to try again in your next incarnation, or find happiness with someone else.”

Jaal’s gaze was piercing, but he evidently decided not to pursue whatever question had occurred to him.

The small room was silent for a long time.  Finally, he looked up at her.  “Tell me what I must do for this Ritual.  I am ready.”

 

* * *

 

The anj paara was in chaos.

Jaal sat in the corner, hands wrapped around his head, which ached from trying and trying and  _ trying _ to form the connection with his soulmate.  

All the adults in his family milled around the large room, speaking in varying tones of distress and confusion.  What had happened?  How could this be?  What was  _ wrong  _ with him?

Several steps away from where he sat, Sahuna, his true mother, spoke with the moshae in agitated tones, only occasionally loud enough for him to make them out.  

“He completed the bond, we all felt it.”

“Indeed, but then why is there nothing there?”

“I do not know…”

Their voices faded away, then his true mother spoke loudly enough to - briefly - silence the other conversations in the room.

“There is  _ nothing _ wrong with Jaal!  Whatever this is, it is not a failure on his part!”

The moshae answered soothingly, and their voices dropped again.  He could not hear their conversation any longer, but he could hear bits of things the rest of his family said.

“Have you heard of anything like this happening before?  Ever?”

“I can’t imagine it would be a secret if it had.”

“Perhaps he doesn’t have a soulmate?”

“Everyone has a soulmate!”

“Maybe he betrayed her in a past life and she renounced him.”

“Can you  _ do  _ that?”

“I don’t know, but how else would you explain it?  When I did my Ritual, it felt like knocking on a door.  This one… it felt like dropping a pebble into a bottomless well… no echo, no answer, no snap as if she were dead.  Just… nothing….”

Jaal stood up, and pushed through his family, ignoring the quiet that descended behind him as he made his escape.

 

* * *

 

Jaal climbed.  He drove himself faster and harder, always higher as he scaled the cliff above their daar.

_ Like dropping a pebble into a bottomless well. _

He passed the outcropping he’d sat on this morning.  Full of hope, full of expectations and excitement, watching the sunrise.  He swore to himself that he’d never sit there again.  He climbed higher.

_ No echo, no answer. _

Finally, he reached the top of the cliff; he sat, panting, with his back to a boulder as he watched the lengthening shadows creep across the valley.  

Sitting there, he closed his eyes, and probed the newly opened place in his awareness.  The connection - or something - was there.  He had changed, he could feel it.  And yet…

Why was he the only one of his people to be alone?  To have no connection, however tenuous, however distant.  

_ Just… nothing… _

Jaal sighed.  What was lacking in him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTES: 
> 
> ~Anj paara… I took some creative license with this one, combining two known angaran words. Anj: anchor, and Paara: to know or to learn. So here, Anj paara means Anchor of Knowledge. It’s a building that can be found in all daar.
> 
> ~ In my world, Evfra’s family was taken by the kett before he could perform his Ritual… he joined the Resistance right away, and never completed the Ritual. This unfulfilled potential is a solid half of what makes him so driven as the leader of the Resistance. By the time he figured out what the Ritual was and what it was for, he wasn’t about to let anyone know he hadn’t completed it way back when he should have; he is punishing himself for his failures by not even attempting to find his soulmate. Knowing that he is also punishing some totally innocent young woman just adds to his guilt. Evfra has a major tragic vibe, in my world. 
> 
> ~ Jaal’s Ritual fails because Ryder isn’t dead (or it would flip back on him, like the moshae says), but since she’s in suspended animation, she doesn’t have any thoughts or emotions for Jaal to pick up. Since this isn’t something the angara could guess at, they don’t, and assume the problem lies with him. 
> 
> ~ In my world, Moshae Sjefa is single because her soulmate died before she found him, and she never wanted to settle for something less. She awaits her reincarnation to find him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! Thank you so much for all the kudos, and double thank you for the lovely comments! You all are so sweet, and I'm relieved that this story makes as much sense outside of my head as it does inside. I'm tickled pink that everyone is so fond of my poor young Jaal, and so eager for him to find Sara. I almost feel bad about the next few chapters, because... remember when the tag said "angst?" Yep, here it comes. Hang in there, though, I promise a happy ending eventually!

_ He was alone.   _

_ He would always be alone.   _

_ Always be… insufficient.   _

_ She would always be alone… _

Sara Ryder woke with a gasp.

She looked frantically around at the gleaming machinery, her mind trying to catch up to what her eyes were seeing.  The cryo bay.  Hyperion.   _ Andromeda. _

“We made it.”  She said it aloud to convince herself that she was really awake.  

Her words called two medtechs over to her, and they pelted her with conversation.  Finally, someone brought her a cup of coffee, and left her to drink it and orient herself.

She sipped the coffee and tried to chase down the odd dream she’d been having just before she woke up.  Something about being alone…?  That wasn’t surprising, considering she’d just spent 600 years asleep in a cryopod.  There had been something else wrong with the dream though, if she could just figure out what it had been…

Doctor T’Perro hustled over before she could pinpoint the feeling, and by the time the doctor was done with her exam, the dream had wisped away from her and was lost.

The next several hours weren’t exactly conducive to quiet contemplation, either.  Habitat 7 was a bust, Scott was in a coma for who knew how long, and her father… her father was dead.

_ He was alone.  In a society which highly valued relationships, and the sharing of emotions, he was alone and had no one to share with.  He would always be alone, lost, searching for an anchor which could not be found.  Perhaps he didn’t deserve that sort of trust, that sort of peace. _

Sara Ryder woke again.  This time, she was in SAM node, though she didn’t know why.  She knew she’d had another dream, and it was still…  _ wrong _ … somehow.  This time, she learned from the past: she kept her eyes closed and didn’t move while she tried to chase down the dream fragments.

The emotions had come through most clearly.  Loneliness, a feeling of being lost, and despair.  Sara frowned slightly.  What was wrong with that dream?

_ Loneliness _ .  Well, that wasn’t so unusual, was it?  Her mother, dead and buried 600 years and who knew how many lightyears behind her.  Her father, newly dead on the disaster which was Habitat 7. Her twin, in a coma and showing no signs of waking.  Loneliness was only to be expected.

_ Feeling lost.   _ Well, again, that wasn’t so unusual.  If ever anyone had been lost, it was the Hyperion.  At the end of a one way trip there had been only disaster waiting for them, not the new home they had expected.

_ Despair. _  That was not unexpected either, but it felt… odd.  Not the bright, sharp edged despair she had expected; this was a well worn despair, as if she’d been living with it for years without relief. 

Before she could track the thought further, SAM was speaking to her.  Then the others were talking too.  By the time she could spare the odd dream any thought, the feeling of wrongness was gone, reasoned away and replaced by determination.  She was overwhelmed, lost, and grieving, but she wasn’t alone.  She was the Pathfinder now, and she had  duty to the people of the Initiative.  

Keep moving.    That was what she had to do.  Keep moving, deal with her emotions later.  Keep moving.

 

* * *

 

_ Jaal woke with a start.   _

_ His dreams had been… unsettled lately.  Not that his dreams were ever pleasant - he had never been able to leave his broken, unfinished connection alone; in his sleep, he was always prodding at the wound that wouldn’t heal.   _

_ This dream had been… different, somehow.  Something had changed.  His own emotions still flowed through the connection as always, still echoed back to him in the absence of anywhere else to go; but somehow, they now felt stronger than usual on returning. _

_ Something had changed, and he couldn’t tell if that was a good sign, or a horrible one. _

 

* * *

 

Sara, Cora, and Liam walked into a dark and seemingly abandoned Nexus.  Clearly unfinished, it seemed deserted.  Despite Liam’s persistently cheerful expectation of a surprise party, Sara felt a growing certainty that they were about to be handed another crisis.

The station’s VI wasn’t reassuring, and it wasn’t helpful.  The tech they found wasn’t helpful either, stammering and staring as if they’d all grown horns.  Before Sara reached out and shook the man in exasperation, a new voice joined the conversation.

The familiar two-toned vocals and blunt delivery made her smile.  There was no one better to deal with in a crisis than a turian.  She turned, and found herself staring at an armored turian.  He offered her a handshake as he introduced himself.

“I’m Tiran Kandros, I lead our militia here on the Nexus.”

Sara smiled without knowing she was going to.  His blue gaze was steady, his grip firm.  He filled her in on all the important details in a matter of fact voice that was refreshing.  Talking to Kandros on the way to meet with the Nexus’ leadership, Sara found herself drawing the first free breath she’d taken since waking up in the Hyperion’s cryobay.  When they finally arrived at Operations to meet the directors, Sara was smiling.

 

* * *

 

She wasn’t smiling for long.  Not only did Nexus have their own problems, but they were blatantly disappointed to have her instead of her father.  She tried to put the best face on things that she could, tried to sound confident, but she didn’t think she’d convinced anyone.  She was all they had to work with, though, and they knew it.

Before making her way to the docking bay, Sara wandered around Nexus, firmly telling herself that she  _ wasn’t _ searching for Kandros.

Searching for him or not, she found him.  Speaking with him restored her confidence and good humor.  He didn’t have any good news to impart - no one did, it seemed - but he delivered his news with a blunt matter of factness; further, he threw in just enough swagger to make her grin.  Sara had spoken with enough turians to know that the more serious the situation, the more they swaggered.  She swaggered back at him, and felt amply rewarded when his mandibles flared in a smile.  Finally, she ran out of useful topics, and knew she had to leave.

Reluctantly, she shrugged slightly and said, “Well, duty calls, Kandros.”

He nodded.  “You and me both, Pathfinder.”

As Sara turned and headed towards the docking bay to see what sort of ship Director Tann had provided for her use, she was grinning.  For the first time, she  _ felt _ like the Pathfinder, instead of like a child trying on her father’s too-big shoes.                               
Kandros’ casual acknowledgement had made the title her own.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've officially caught up to the game now. So you know what to expect: I am not going to retell missions unless they have an impact on the story, and I am not spending a lot of effort on keeping the smaller missions in order. The big story milestones won't be messed with, though.

The Tempest was  _ amazing _ .  

Sara spent most of the trip to Eos exploring the ship from stem to stern.  She finished up in her quarters - which made her eyes widen and a gleeful smile spread over her face - and had to firmly restrain herself from skipping through the halls singing, “it’s mine, it’s mine, it’s all miiiiine!”

For one thing, that would hardly inspire confidence in her professionalism.  For another, she was pretty sure that Gil and Kallo each thought of the ship as theirs; since she couldn’t do without a pilot or an engineer, she decided to admire  _ her _ ship in silence and privacy.

Well, mostly in privacy.  SAM was always present in her mind, and in her quarters.  Lately, all he wanted to talk about was her dreams.

“I observed several dreams while you were in cryostasis, Pathfinder.  I am at a loss to explain them.”

Sara hoped SAM hadn’t figured out eye rolls, yet.  She didn’t want to offend him.  “Most people are at a loss to explain their dreams, SAM.  That’s kind of a thing with dreams - they don’t make sense.”

“That is not the topic on which I was seeking clarification, Pathfinder.  I was referring to the fact that you had any dreams at all.  Most of the Initiative volunteers referred to the time they spent in stasis as ‘cryosleep’ but that is not accurate.  Your mind should not have been functioning at all; dreaming should have been impossible.”

Sara sighed, and paused her search through the music player she’d found on a table near her bed.

“I don’t know what to tell you, SAM.  I don’t remember dreaming; I don’t remember anything.”  She continued, her tone growing testy despite her effort to remain detached.  “And I’ve passed all the exams Lexi has thought to put me through, so whatever you observed, it doesn't seem to have had any lasting effect.”

There was a long pause while SAM considered this.  Sara went back to her music search.

“As this topic seems to be causing you distress, Pathfinder, I will refrain from inquiring further.”

“ _ Thank  _ you, SAM.”

 

* * *

 

Eos.

Sara could only admire the determination and sheer hardheadedness that had prompted the Nexus colonists to send not one, but two, groups to attempt to settle this miserable dustball of a planet.

Hot, dusty, and full of not only ket, but aggressive animals too, Sara couldn’t find much to admire about the place.  The Nomad was the bane of her existence, and the ironic comments from Liam and Cora only made her more determined to hit every bump and rut she could find.

On the bright side, she did find a rather spiffy sniper rifle.

And a rather snippy merc who liked to boss her around. 

And a hyperactive asari.

And a grumpy krogan.

That last was actually almost as welcome as the sniper rifle.  Sara loved Drack’s sardonic comments and the provoking way her called her, “kid.”

After two weeks on the planet, however, Sara was ready for a break.  Tann had started pushing her to set up a colony as soon as the vault had been reset, but she refused to be rushed.  The ket needed to be completely dealt with, and answers found about the failures of the previous colonies before she let civilians come to this miserably hot excuse for a golden world.  But that would take time, and her team was ready for a break.

So it was with vast relief, and no small amount of appreciation for the Tempest’s climate control, that she watched the planet shrink into the distance before they made the jump back to Nexus.

Besides, there had been a message from Kandros waiting on her terminal, asking that she come see him before meeting with Tann.  

 

* * *

 

Despite having sent a meeting request ahead, when the Tempest arrived, Sara was told that Director Tann wasn’t able to see her right away.  Scowling, she headed off to see Kandros instead.

“I know that look.”  

His wry tone and commiserating words drew a smile from her.  She was more than willing to take him up - briefly - on his offer of a listening ear if she needed to vent.  

Here was someone safe to talk to; he didn’t expect miracles from her, he didn’t look to her for leadership.  If anything, they were equals, but completely outside each other’s commands.  Safe.  It was a good feeling.

Eventually, aware that time was running short, she brought up the subject she had been dreading.  He had told her to leave it alone, after all.

“So, about Nilken.”

Kandros scowled.  “I told you what I know about that.  And that I considered it closed.”

Sara held up a conciliatory hand.  “I know, but I couldn’t just leave it.  It didn’t add up.  And I was right, but I don’t know what to do now.”

She explained what she had found on Eos, and Kandros snorted with disgust.

“So he planned to murder Chief Reynolds.  He tried to murder Chief Reynolds.  He thinks he  _ did _ murder Chief Reynolds.  And all this time, he’s been swearing his innocence.”  Another disgusted snort.  “And the only reason he is technically innocent is because he couldn’t even make a shot at point blank range?  He deserves to be exiled just for that.”

Sara grinned, despite the seriousness of the situation.  “Well, I tend to agree, especially when you add ‘lied to the Pathfinder’ and ‘wasted my time’ to the list.  But Kandros, this is serious.  I can’t imagine Tann’s going to be any use - he didn’t even bother to retrieve Chief Reynolds' body.  What do we do about it?  You’re in charge of the militia here, this affects you too.”

Kandros pondered this for a moment, giving her question the full attention it deserved.  Sara considered it very much to his credit that he was willing to reconsider his ‘closed case’ in light of the new information.

“Well, there’s no good answer.  And you’re right, Tann’s going to be covering his own tail before thinking about anything else.  But here’s my concern.  If Nilken was willing to plan and execute a plot to murder his friend and superior because he disagreed with a command decision, what is to stop him from doing it again?  He wanted to kill.  He meant to kill.  He tried to kill.  Do you want to be responsible for assigning him to a new CO?”

Sara nodded reluctantly.  “You have a point, Kandros.  Alright, I’ll let the sentencing stand.  I’m sure Tann won’t argue the point.  Exile it is.”

Kandros nodded, then flared his mandibles in a grin.  “Maybe his aim will improve, once he needs to rely on his own skills to keep him alive.”

She rolled her eyes, and was just about to reply when her omnitool pinged.  Finally, Director Tann had time to see her.  She sighed.

“Well, duty calls, Kandros.”

“That’s Tann, I take it?  Better you than me, Pathfinder.”

Sara laughed, and waved as she left to find Tann.


	7. Chapter 7

Sara was actually feeling pretty good about things, before she started up the ramp onto the Tempest.

They’d done a good job of clearing the kett off of Eos.  She was sure some were still lurking around the planet, but it shouldn’t be more than the colonists could handle.  They were calling the colony Prodromos, and just the sight of it was enough to put a smile on Sara’s face.  Her team.  They’d made this possible.  They’d given people hope.

So she was smiling when she started up the ramp to the Tempest.

“We did well here, Pathfinder.  Your father would be proud of you.”

She was sure Cora had meant it kindly, meant it to be an affirmation.  But it started her thinking; by the time she had given orders to make the jump to Nexus, checked in with her team, and hurried to her quarters, she was nearly in tears.

Yes, her father would have been proud of her.  He would have been right there, cheering her on.  She missed him.  

More than that, she missed her mother.

Sara knew her mother would have been proud of this accomplishment as well.  She also would have been worried.  Her mother, much more focused on people and relationships than work, would have asked her if she was  _ happy.  _ Her mother would have wanted to know what her plan was for after she saved the galaxy.  Sara managed a shaky grin as she put her armor away and changed into her shipboard clothes.  Her mother would never have doubted that Sara could save them all; she would have been much more skeptical about Sara’s ability to balance work and life.

_ I want you to live a full life… people do go on after losing someone they love... I just want you to be happy. _

Sara knew she could easily lose herself in her work, let it define her and become her.  She could feel the pull of it already, and it wasn’t even a bad thing - it was good work, important work, and she was good at it.  Her mother would have been disappointed, though; her mother would have worried about her, and she would have wanted grandchildren. 

Sara dropped gracelessly onto her bed with a sigh.  She had promised her mother that she wouldn’t let her job define her life.  She had promised her mother that she would keep an open mind, would consider other relationships despite the loss of her soulmate.  So far, she hadn’t kept those promises.  

More than six hundred years later, perhaps it was time to change that.

 

* * *

 

As Sara left Pathfinder HQ, she took a deep breath.  Dealing with Tann always made her tense, even when he was praising her.  Before she had a chance to wonder what she should do next, her omnitool pinged with an incoming message.

_ Pathfinder!  Civilization has come to Nexus - they opened a bar since our last visit!  Join me?  First round’s on me! _

_ ~ L.K. _

Sara had to smile, Liam’s enthusiasm came through clearly and it was infectious.  Without a second thought, she pulled up the station directory and headed off to discover the Vortex.

Liam waved her over as soon as she entered, and she enjoyed a drink while listening to him talk excitedly about the people he’d met while he waited for her.  She had just about finished her drink and was considering making her excuses, when a familiar two-toned voice caught her attention.  

She turned, eyes sweeping the room, and finally spotted Kandros at the far end of the bar.  He was sitting alone, staring pensively into his drink.  Evidently, she had heard him declining a refill, since she watched Anan wander away in exasperation.  Smiling to herself, Sara waved a casual farewell to Liam, and headed over to Kandros’ end of the bar.

He was so focused on whatever his own thoughts were, he didn’t notice her approach.  She leaned on the bar next to him, and pitched her voice so it wouldn’t carry.

“What’s a perfectly nice guy like you doing in a place like this?”  When he glanced over at her, startled, she offered a friendly smile.

“Pathfinder.  Congratulations on Prodromos.  It’s made a big difference to people around here.”  His gesture seemed to take in the Vortex, and the station as a whole.  But he didn’t answer her question.

Settling onto a seat, Sara studied him for a moment.  Push it, or drop it?  She drew a deep breath, and bumped her elbow against his.

“So this is you celebrating, is it?  Sitting here by yourself, glaring at your drink.  You offered to listen to me vent when I needed to… that goes both ways, you know.”

When she finished, he was staring at her with the same intensity he’d given his drink.  “It’s nothing to do with the job, but thank you for the offer, Pathfinder.”

Sara tried hard not to scowl.  He was going to make this difficult, it seemed.  Keep moving.  Professional life, personal life, it all worked the same.  Keep moving.

“Good news, since I’m off duty.  So lay it on me.  And, you know, you can call me Sara, or Ryder, if you’d prefer.  Since we’re off duty.  Tiran.”  Her use of his first name drew a short chuckle, and he saluted her with his glass.

“Ryder, then.  I didn’t think you’d be interested… moping turians aren’t anyone’s idea of fun.  Just remember, you asked.”  He took a drink from the glass, and let it clunk back onto the bar.  “Do humans have soulmates?”

She couldn’t have been more surprised if he’d punched her.  It was the last thing she had expected from him, and the last thing she wanted to talk about.  But she had asked, so she tried to keep her voice level when she answered him.

“Yes, we do.  I thought everyone did.”

“Yeah, I did too, just never got around to asking any humans.  Did you ever try to find yours?”

Sara squirmed.  “No.  I… when I was a child, I had these dreams, never could understand them.”  Once started, the words came in a rush.  She’d never told anyone before.  “My mother told me later that some biotics have an empathic bond to their soulmate, and that’s what those dreams were.  Of course, she didn’t mention this until I felt him die.  So, no, I never looked for him.  My parents, though, they were soulmates.”

Kandros gave a low hum, more felt than heard over the noise of the bar.  “Mine too.  I looked.  Spent a lot of time on it, actually.  I thought it would… make everything make sense, you know?  Finding her.  Well, I never did, and then I joined the Initiative, and I figured that was it.  Six hundred years, all the way across dark space… at least I could stop looking, maybe move on.”

Sara nodded, her eyes steady on his profile.  His eyes were still focused on the glass in his hand.

“What would you say if someone looked for his soulmate, gave up on finding her, went into cryostasis and expected that she would die centuries before he woke up again… only to find out she was on this blasted station with him?  And then, to lose her to duty?”  His voice had grown more bitter as he spoke, he nearly spit the last word out.  

He looked over, meeting Sara’s eyes for the first time since she’d sat beside him.  His gaze searched her face, trying to determine her reaction.  No doubt, he expected pity and would have rejected it.

“Oof.  That’s…. Well, that  _ sucks _ , Kandros.”  

He nodded, and suddenly seemed to regret saying anything; he started to drop his gaze again, turning away from her, when she added, “Why?  Do we know anyone like that?”

He turned to face her fully, shock written all over his face.  Her small, twisted smile clued him in, and after a pause, he laughed.

“Nope, not a soul, Ryder.”  He lifted his glass towards her, and this time she clinked hers against it.  

They sat together in a companionable silence.  While he was still preoccupied with his own thoughts, they didn’t seem to drag him down in the same way now.  That was good.  Sara’s mind was occupied as well, her mother’s advice ringing in her memory.  Finally, she drew a deep breath, and turned towards him again.

“You know, my mother told me once that even if we lose our great love, it’s possible to find love elsewhere.  It may be different, but every relationship is different.  Everyone has something to share, something to contribute.  She died before we left the Milky Way, but she was very concerned that I was so focused on losing my soulmate that I would ignore other possible relationships.  I never really thought I could find someone else I could care about, back then.  I thought that if I couldn’t have what my parents had, I didn’t want anything. 

“Now though, I’m not so sure.  We’re so far from home, from everything familiar.  Would it be so bad to try to find something of what I’ve lost?  It wouldn’t be the same, but nothing is, here.  

“I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately, and I think she may have been right.”

She fell silent, worried that she’d said too much.  Her stomach fluttered; she fought the impulse to take a gulp of her drink, and the stronger impulse to simply run away.  

Kandros was watching her, the green lights on his armor casting shadows across his face.  His eyes flicked over her face, taking in the details, trying to read her thoughts.  A new fear was presenting itself,  _ perhaps she’d said too much _ , when he finally spoke.

“Mothers generally are.”  He smiled, somewhat hesitantly.  “And, we both know the situation, so there wouldn’t be any… strenuous expectations.”

A grin was spreading across Sara’s face, and the fluttering in her stomach was increasing; still, she felt the need to point out, “I can’t promise my duty won’t take me away from you.”

Kandros shrugged.  “ _ Your _ duty taking you away I can handle.  It’s losing you to  _ my  _ duty that I couldn’t stand, not again.  You’re sure about this?”

For an answer, Sara leaned in close to him, her voice lowering.  “Absolutely certain.  Besides, I’ve given the team a week of leave; be a shame to waste it, sitting around in my empty quarters on the empty Tempest.”  She smiled, and stood.  “The question is, are  _ you  _ sure?”  

She only made it three steps toward the door before his hand settled on her waist.  Sara smiled up at him, and thrilled at the smoldering look he gave her in return.

 

* * *

 

Jaal was walking through the market on Aya, when he realized that he’d been feeling pretty good lately.  Pleased, even cheerful, with an optimism for the future he hadn’t felt since he was a child.  He had a sense of confidence that he couldn’t remember ever feeling before.

The emotions were so unusual that he was immediately suspicious.  

Stepping out of the flow of marketplace traffic, he tried to pin down why he was feeling this way.  It almost seemed as if the emotions were coming from outside himself.  But that was impossible.  The only emotions he could feel from the outside would be….

The jolt of adrenaline which accompanied the half-formed thought brought a surge of his bioelectrics that threw off sparks from his skin, drawing annoyed looks from those standing closest to him.  He ignored the looks, and started towards Resistance HQ.

Though he tried to remain composed and unhurried, Jaal drew many surprised looks as he made his way to Evfra’s office.  Despite Evfra’s aide protesting that the leader of the Resistance was incredibly busy, Jaal entered the office.  He didn’t wait for his friend and leader to acknowledge his presence, but began speaking immediately.

“Evfra.  I must speak to Moshae Sjefa immediately.”  His agitation was apparent in his unusually quick speech.  “I need leave from my duties here, I do not know how long.  I do not know anything.  I must speak with the moshae!”

Evfra looked up, the scowl at his interruption slowly changing.  When Jaal fell silent, Evfra sighed heavily.

“You cannot.  I have sent two squads, and both have failed.”

Jaal heard the words, but he was so focused on what he had -  _ may have _ \- felt, he didn’t understand them at first.  Then horror, as he realized what Evfra was telling him.  He stared at his friend, his mind already clicking through possibilities and questions.  Evfra shook his head.

  
“The kett have her, Jaal.  We cannot retrieve her.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to some unexpected life stuff, it is pretty likely that I won't be able to update tomorrow. Sorry to leave you hanging over the weekend! More on Monday.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! I ended up getting most of this polished up last night, so here it is!

The gentle chiming SAM had decided would serve as her wake-up calls dragged Sara out of the most restful sleep she’d had in… well, centuries.  She muttered at him until the sound cut off, then rolled over, and smiled.

Tiran slept beside her, as he had the entire week of her leave time.  They had enjoyed the rare privacy of having the deserted Tempest to themselves, although they had spent most of the time in her quarters.  Talking, watching vids, as well as more physical activities, had all passed within the spacious confines of her room.  Now, instead of feeling as if she were an interloper in this space, she felt as if she belonged here.

Whispering so as not to wake Tiran, Sara asked,

“SAM, what time is it?”

“It is 0800 hours, Nexus time, Pathfinder."  She made a frantic shushing gesture at his volume, and he lowered it before continuing.  "Your meeting with Vetra Nyx to go over the resupply is scheduled for 1200 hours.”

Sara groaned.  “So why I am awake now, SAM?  I could be sleeping in!”

She had forgotten to be quiet that time too, and heard a rumbling chuckle from behind her.  “I asked him to wake  _ me  _ up early, Sara.  I thought we should have time for a proper farewell.”

“I was attempting to awaken you, Mr. Kandros, but was unable to without also awakening the Pathfinder.”

Sara rolled her eyes.  She and SAM would have to have a talk about his stilted formality.  Did he not approve of her choice of partners?  On second thought, maybe she would ignore it.

Tiran just chuckled again.  He was doing a lot of that this week, and it made Sara’s heart glad to hear it.  “Well, it seems to have worked out.  Thanks, SAM.”

She turned toward him, smiling.  “And what did you have in mind to occupy our time?”

He kissed her, instead of answering.

 

* * *

 

Jaal’s determination was going to be the death of one of them, Evfra was sure of it.

It had been several days since he broke the news of the moshae’s capture to the rest of Aya; he had been less forthcoming about his repeated failures to rescue her.  Each day, Jaal had been in his office, pushing, prodding, and urging action.  Evfra was more cautious, unwilling to send any more of his soldiers to rescue her without know why his previous attempts had failed so thoroughly.

This morning’s briefing had been different.  Unexpectedly, Jaal seemed to be barely paying attention to him or anyone else in the room.  He nodded absently when Evfra handed him the datapad with his assignments on it, barely glancing at it.  He seemed filled with a nervous energy, hardly able to sit still until Evfra dismissed them.

A scout hurried up to Evfra, and while he would have normally welcomed the excuse to avoid Jaal, now he was almost annoyed by the interruption.  Only briefly, though, the information the scout brought quickly took his entire attention.

When Jaal burst into his office not long after, Evfra didn’t even wait to find out what he would say; instead, he started speaking immediately.

“There are aliens.  Here.  They are more of those Milky Way aliens that our people have reported on Kadara, but they’re  _ here _ .  On Aya.  Landing as we speak.  Paaran is going to meet them.  Make sure you are there, also.”

Jaal stared at him, the nervous energy suddenly stilled in the face of this new threat.  “Here?  On Aya?  How?”

“That is what I want you to find out.  Go, before Paaran grants them access to the city without asking a single question.”

Jaal snorted, but went as he had been ordered.

 

* * *

 

The landing pad was crowded, the air thick with bioelectric discharges from nervous angara.  

Jaal felt as if he’d been hit with a concussion grenade.  There was a ringing in his ears, and the bottom had dropped out of his stomach.  He didn’t know why, it was unlikely that a single, unarmed ship, had come with nefarious intent.  Especially considering it was on fire.  But the feeling persisted, and he didn’t understand it.

Then, suddenly it became clear.  

A small, feminine alien was standing at the base of the steps, arms held casually away from her body, hands open and loose.  His steps faltered, and he froze.  

_ She was the one. _

His bioelectricity sent sparks across his skin, crackling in the air and causing those nearest him to fall silent and back away.  Jaal didn’t notice.

_ This is her.  This is the one.  My soulmate.  How can this be?  How is it that my soulmate was born a galaxy away?  It doesn’t matter!  She is  _ **_here_ ** _.  Alive and here.  But… what is wrong with her, that the connection between us is still so… wrong? _

His thoughts were spiraling out of control, his emotions dangerously close to running away with him, and Paaran Shie was speaking to the strange alien.  He had a job to do, and he couldn’t do it like this.

The only answer was to lock his emotions down,  _ hard _ ; to focus solely on his assignment and ignore anything else until he could figure it out in peace.  Right.  Carry out the mission.

Jaal barged down the steps, breaking into Paaran’s greeting to the alien, ignoring her explanation of their guest.   He didn’t stop until he was standing nearly on top of the alien woman, his harsh tone trying to provoke a reaction, while his eyes searched hers for some sign that she recognized him.

His voice was harsh, harsher than he would have wanted, but he couldn’t help it.  “Aya is hidden, protected.  What do you want?”

She looked slightly confused, but that may have been from his suddenly belligerent presence.  In an effort to maintain control of himself, he was ignoring his own emotions so completely that he wouldn’t have recognized any that may have come from her.

She answered readily enough, and her own voice was calm; it would have been soothing, if he had allowed himself to be soothed.

“I apologize.  Landing here the way we did, without warning, on fire, was not the plan.”  She offered him a small smile, inviting him to see the humor in the situation.

Despite his efforts, Jaal felt himself responding.  Her words, her presence, her tone, they washed over him like a balm for a wound he had never expected to heal.  “That’s good to know.  Because if it was, that would be a very bad plan.” 

He nearly smiled in return before bringing himself up short.  He could not risk relaxing around her until he had more information.  Getting a better grip on his emotions, he turned away.

“I’ll inform Evfra.  He’ll be waiting for you in his office at Resistance headquarters,  I’ll meet you there.”  He stalked away, hoping to find some sort of equilibrium between the docks and Resistance Headquarters.

 

* * *

 

Sara was nervous.  As if nearly flying into a kett fleet wasn’t enough to shave years off her life, an emergency landing on an unexpectedly populated planet was nearly more than she could handle without biting her nails.  

But her team had all gathered on the bridge, and she couldn’t fall apart in front of them.

When Vetra demanded, “Please.  You’re not really going out there on your own,” incredulously, she managed to not only sound calm, but determined at the same time.

“We can’t afford a repeat of last time.  I’m the Pathfinder - first contact is on me.”

“Most important thing ever.  No pressure.”

Sara grinned.  Trust Liam to have a wisecrack ready.  She grinned as she responded in kind.

“If this goes badly - if I get eaten alive - even if it’s hilarious - please. Destroy the vids.”

With a wave that she hoped looked casual (and didn’t show how much she was shaking) she left the bridge.

It seemed wise to walk towards the armed aliens hurrying toward her ship with her hands raised.  She hadn’t even considered bringing a weapon, and she wanted them to see that she had nothing to hide.  She stood silently while they scanned her, and followed politely when they indicated that she should move.

The welcoming committee was a bit intimidating, standing at the top of the stairs, but she was greeted kindly enough by the angaran governor.

Suddenly, a new figure was pushing towards the group at the top of the steps, and then he was approaching her like a tidal wave moving toward the coast.  Taller than she was, angry, and bringing a sense of foreboding that had her jaw clenching with nerves.

Sara was suddenly certain that this was the exact point that history would mark as the failure of her first contact with the angara.  

His eyes bored into hers as he spoke, Sara tried frantically to come up with some way to save the situation.  She couldn’t think clearly, she could nearly feel roiling emotions passing from him to her.   _ Ridiculous _ , she told herself.  It was just nerves.  How should she know what this alien was feeling?  She was assuming that his feelings matched hers, and she needed to stop if she wanted any chance of saving this situation. 

She couldn’t remember any useful advice from the Pathfinder handbook on first contact situations, but she thought that defusing the tension could only help.  She was halfway through her wry apology when she suddenly panicked.  What if her humor didn’t translate?

She thought for a moment that her fear was justified, but suddenly the intimidating angara unbent enough to give the slightest of smiles.   __Sara nearly sagged with relief.

In the next moment, he was gone, and she was left to Governor Shie’s much calmer civilities.  Taking a deep breath, she followed the governor through the city; around small talk with Shie, she had plenty of time to wonder how much worse this Evfra could possibly be, given his chosen emissary.


	9. Chapter 9

By the time Jaal reached Resistance Headquarters, he had managed to convince himself that it had all been a mistake.

After all, it was ridiculous; and it only got more ridiculous the more he thought about it.  That he, of all angara should be the only one to have an alien for a soulmate?  And not just any alien, but one from so far away that he couldn’t truly comprehend the time and distance she had crossed to be here.  

When he considered further, not only was incredible that she should be his soulmate, it didn’t actually solve anything.  If she was his soulmate, he had to be hers, and what would she think of that?  Did her people even have soulmates?  And if she  _ was _ his soulmate, why hadn’t she recognized him?

No, there were too many unlikely things which would have had to occur for her to be his soulmate.  Too many “first” and “only” instances for this to make sense; and who was he to be the first and only anything?  No one, that’s who.  It simply was not possible.  He had made a mistake, he had been mislead by the tension of the alien's arrival and his own longing to find his soulmate.

Jaal sighed.  He needed to speak to the moshae about all this.  His confusion, his longing, everything.  Speaking to her always helped, they had remained close even when it became apparent that he was not suited to studying the Remnant with her.  They  _ had _ to rescue her.  

First, though, they needed to deal with this alien, and now that he had put aside his foolish notion that she was his soulmate, he felt ready to deal with her.  He was calm, focused, professional.  He would get rid of this alien and then he would convince Evfra to let him attempt another rescue. 

His calm assurance was enough to get him through an exchange of pleasantries when the Pathfinder arrived at Resistance HQ.  It held through the brief introduction he performed for Evfra.  

As Evfra and the Pathfinder spoke, Jaal’s mind wandered.

 

* * *

 

_ Not long after the disaster of his Ritual, Moshae Sjefa came to Jaal’s parents, and offered to take him as a student.  His parents readily agreed, both because it was a great honor and because they hoped that the moshae’s wisdom would help Jaal come to accept whatever had happened in his ritual. _

_ Jaal was a reluctant student, unable or unwilling to grasp the importance of the Remnant technology that Moshae Sjefa investigated.  However, her main goal was achieved, they shared many conversations along the way. _

_ “Moshae, you said once that some people gave up when they couldn’t find their soulmate, and found happiness elsewhere.  What happens to their soulmate connection when they do that?” _

_ It was a question he had been working up to for several weeks; ever since they’d taken shelter at a farm and met a lovely girl named Allia.  It had not been difficult for the moshae to see where Jaal’s attention had gone. _

_ “Do you remember, Jaal, when I said that the connection between soulmates was something that grew stronger with practice?”  He nodded, his silence indicating how interested he was in getting an answer to his question.  Sjefa continued.  “The opposite is also true; if you ignore the connection, ignore the emotions coming from it, it fades.  It will never be entirely gone, but the emotions you feel will not be as clear, or as strong.  This is why many of our people believe that finding your soulmate in this life will make it easier in your next life - living with your soulmate necessarily strengthens the connection.” _

_ Jaal considered this in silence for some time.  “But would I- would someone in that position recognize their soulmate?  Even if they had learned to love another?” _

_ Moshae Sjefa nodded.  “They would.  And this is why there are many who choose not to pursue love elsewhere; there is much pain involved for everyone when that happens, and there are no easy answers.” _

_ Jaal nodded, and didn’t speak again.  The topic dropped, but that wasn't the end of it. _

_ Several weeks later, Jaal began a relationship with Allia. _

_ He had been deliriously happy.  Then his older brother came - to visit him, ironically - and Allia finally met her soulmate.  Though hurt, Jaal wasn’t even able to summon anger at either of them; he would have dropped everything in an instant if he had even the faintest chance at being with his soulmate. _

_ He would have dropped everything, for even the faintest chance… _

 

* * *

 

Jaal yanked his wandering attention back to the conversation going on in front of him just in time to hear Evfra turning down the Pathfinder’s offer of assistance. 

Spurred by memory, Jaal found himself volunteering to join the alien’s crew.

“Let me assess this alien.  I’ll be your eyes.  I know you can spare me.”

Evfra was clearly fed up with the entire situation; Jaal was counting on that, and on the fact that Evfra would be relieved to get rid of him and his constant demands for action so easily.  Evfra’s parting words, however, were more ominous than Jaal had expected.

Staring at his new teammate, Jaal sighed.  “I hope I don’t regret this.”

 

* * *

 

The  _ Tempest _ was a marvel.  Jaal wished he could learn more about how it worked, but one of the aliens had muttered more and more loudly with each question until finally he chased Jaal out of the engine room entirely.

His interactions with the crew seemed to devolve from there.  They were all focused on their own problems, and couldn’t see past them to find the benefit in working with him.  The Pathfinder, evidently tired of defending herself, turned the meeting over to him.  When the meeting finally dispersed - Evfra would have dismissed a similar meeting of the Resistance, but the Pathfinder seemed content to let the crew wander away - he stepped back and watched her studying the information on Voeld and Havarl.  She would be the one to decide where they went.

Jaal watched her, silently prodding at his soulmate connection, wondering if she felt anything from it; wondering if she even was his soulmate.  She didn’t give any sign that she was feeling his emotions, but she did heave a sigh and run a distracted hand through her hair.  Jaal felt a sudden desire to do the same hit him like a kick to the gut.

She turned suddenly, her eyes landing on him immediately.

“Jaal."  She blinked, seeming momentarily confused.  "I apologize for the welcome you got here.  Everyone is really nice, they’re just a little preoccupied with our problems.  It’s been one thing after another ever since we woke up.”

He nodded.  “Yes, Pathfinder, my people are very much the same.  When problems are large enough, they blind us to other things.”

She smiled.  “You can call me Sara, Jaal.  Or Ryder, if you’d like.”

Jaal nodded.  “Ryder then.  Thank you.”  He stared at her for a long moment, trying to decide if he should speak to her about being soulmates.  But he didn’t know enough about these people to take such a risk, and he still didn’t know for sure that she was his soulmate.  With a sigh, he decided against mentioning it until he knew more; and perhaps he should speak with the moshae first.  

He realized he was still staring at Ryder.  Feeling himself blush, he gave her a curt nod and stalked away.

 

* * *

 

Sara wasn’t at all sure she had done the right thing, accepting Jaal Ama Darav onto her crew.  He made her nervous, and she didn’t think it was only because he was so serious and so… alien.

He seemed to be watching her constantly, their every conversation seemed loaded with deeper meaning than the words conveyed.  She had the feeling that his odd pauses were more than just a translation issue; it was like he was choosing his words carefully.

She often heard him speaking with the rest of the team, getting to know them and letting them get to know him.  When she tried to talk to him, however, he quickly told her  _ that’s enough _ and that they needed to establish more trust.  Despite this, h e watched her as she spoke to the others.  Even with her back to him, she somehow knew when he was interested or annoyed with her conversations.  

She felt drawn to him in a way that was completely foreign to her.  But when she gave in to the feeling and went to talk to him, he would quickly push her away.  

Sometimes, his regard seemed purely physical, making her want to check to be sure her hair was neatly done and her clothes fastened properly.  Other times, she felt as if he was trying to see into her mind, decipher her thoughts without speech.

Sara told herself she was crazy, that he was just learning about what was socially acceptable among all these aliens.  Surely he didn’t mean anything by it.  Surely her imagination was filling some pretty wild guesses into the gaps in her knowledge of him.  

She was feeling increasingly antsy and uncomfortable aboard ship, however; she needed a break, a chance to unwind.  There had been several considerations behind her decision that her first duty was to head back to Nexus and report on their discovery of Aya and the anagara.  Among the first of these considerations was a longing to see Kandros, to enjoy his presence and his affection, unclouded by doubts and complications.

 

* * *

 

They had docked at the station that Cora told him was called Nexus.  Jaal was looking forward to seeing it with an eagerness that surprised him; an anticipation that was ruined when Ryder swept through the ship and down the ramp like a whirlwind, leaving hasty orders for the resupply and report times in her wake.  She approached a tall turian who seemed to have been waiting for her, and set off deeper into the station with him, practically bouncing with each step.  

Jaal had never seen her so… happy.  Unburdened.  He stared after her, wondering how he could bring her that lightness, until he heard a chuckle behind him.  Turning, he saw Liam walking towards him, shaking his head at the disappearing Pathfinder.  At Jaal’s questioning look, Liam shrugged.

“She thinks they’re pretty subtle, but we all know she’s seeing Kandros.”

Jaal frowned in confusion as he tried to parse this sentence.  “That was Kandros?”  He gestured along the path Ryder had taken.

“Yep.  He’s the leader of the Nexus militia.”

Jaal nodded.  “But… seeing… him?  Are we not all seeing him?”

This earned him another laugh from Liam, despite the fact that he had not been attempting humor.  “It’s an idiom, Jaal.  ‘Seeing Kandros’ doesn’t mean ‘looking at him.’”

“Ah, another idiom.”  Jaal sighed, trying not to sound impatient.  “And what does this one mean, then, if it does not mean what it says.”

“Uhh, well, dating?  I guess?  Spending time with him?  Romantically, maybe.  Sleeping with him, for sure.”  When this didn’t get any response, Liam added, “Get it?  Jaal?”  

Jaal didn’t answer, his attention instead riveted on the place where he had last seen Ryder.  She was… seeing… this turian.  The moshae’s words rang through his memory, “ _ there is much pain for everyone involved when that happens; there are no easy answers.”   _

Liam bumped Jaal with his elbow.  “You’re awfully quiet all of a sudden.  Credit for your thoughts?”

“I am… fine.  I was... simply considering another idiom I have learned.  Your’s is a strange language.”

This drew a laugh from Liam, and the predictable question.  “Which idiom are you considering now?”

Jaal’s tone was bland, though heartfelt, when he answered.

  
“Well, shit.”


	10. Chapter 10

Jaal was determined that whatever else he did during this stop at the Nexus, he would  _ not _ think about his soulmate connection.  If Ryder was his soulmate, paying attention to whichever of her emotions came across the bond would not only be causing himself needless pain, it would be unbelievably rude.  He would keep his own emotions steady, and ignore anything else.  He had plenty of practice in this area, at least.  

Fortunately, Jaal found his way to the Nexus’ Cultural Center, where even his inquisitive mind was fully occupied by a wealth of information.

He was so absorbed in what he was learning, in fact, that he did not notice how much time had passed; so it was with considerable surprise that he noticed Ryder standing at his side, waiting patiently for the VI to finish its answer to his latest question.  She looked impeccably neat, refreshed, and happy.  Jaal wondered bitterly if this was all due to the time she had spent “seeing” that turian.

Whatever the cause, she seemed pleased to be speaking with him, asking about what he had learned and offering to answer any questions if he couldn’t get the answers from the VI’s.  As Jaal spoke to her about the Citadel space station, a new idea presented itself.  Perhaps she  _ was _ his soulmate, and this new pleasure in his conversation was because he had been sparing her his own tangled emotions for the past few hours.

Guilt followed this thought.  What would she have been picking up from him during their trip on the Tempest?  Hope, certainly, and longing.  But also distrust, anger, and unhappiness.  He had been so focused on his own concerns that he hadn’t given any thought to what she might be picking up from him.  His own constantly unsettled emotions must have spilled over the connection; he was used to ignoring the gaping wound of the connection, used to nothing coming to him from it but the echo of his own emotions, but what would she have felt with all those alien emotions suddenly washing over her?

The guilt, and the attendant hope, was enough that he almost asked her whether her people had soulmates - whether she had a soulmate - but before he could decide on how to approach the subject, her attention was called by the asari who was in charge of the cultural center.  With a wave to Jaal, she was gone.

Jaal turned back to his studies, cursing his bad timing.  His concentration was broken; he had lost the chance to get an answer to the only question he was currently interested in.  He turned toward the next VI in the line, scowling when he saw it was a turian.  He couldn’t ask her; he couldn’t risk destroying whatever happiness she had found without being sure it was the right path.  

He had waited this long to find his soulmate, surely he could wait until he was certain he  _ had _ found her.

 

* * *

 

Sara was determined to plan more stops at the Nexus in the future.  Spending time with Kandros lifted her spirits, made her feel better prepared for whatever Andromeda might throw at her next.  Seeing him set aside the weight of his responsibilities when they were together made her happy; despite his desire to avoid “strenuous expectations” she found herself thinking of him more often when they were apart, imagining the things she would tell him about her experiences out in this new galaxy.

As soon as everyone had reported that they were back aboard the Tempest, Sara gave Kallo instructions to set course for Havarl.  She had told Jaal where they were headed, and knew he would be making a report to Evfra.  Curious, she loitered near the ramp to the conference room, eavesdropping shamelessly.

“Evfra.  We have left the aliens’ Nexus station, and are on course for Havarl.”

Not surprisingly, Evfra didn’t sound pleased.  “Why are you going there first?  Do you trust these aliens so easily that you would show them our home?  Take them to Voeld, let them prove themselves - or not - against the kett.”

“I did not make this decision, Evfra.  The Pathfinder is the one who chose our destination.”

Sara started up the ramp as Evfra answered, her presence interrupting his angry words.

“Hello, Evfra.  I’m sorry to stick my nose in, but I heard you had some questions about my choice of destination?”

He scowled, but didn’t answer.  Jaal noted with a certain glee that it seemed Evfra’s professional courtesy extended far enough to make him uncomfortable about directly questioning the Pathfinder’s decisions on her own ship.

“Unless you have more information than I do, I determined the mission on Havarl was the most time sensitive.  Your Resistance troops are trained fighters, and volunteers.  I will go help them, but your scientists need assistance first.  If they are in danger, or already captured, their chances are much worse than your soldiers would be in the same situation.  Was there any additional information you can share that would affect this assessment?”

Evfra grumbled, but shook his head.  “No, Pathfinder, your assessment is accurate.  Just be cautious that you do not infringe on our hospitality.”  Without another word, he cut the connection.

Sara turned toward Jaal, prepared to apologize for interrupting, only to find him wearing a broad smile.  

“That was well done, Pathfinder!  I have only ever seen the moshae set Evfra so firmly in his place!  Well done indeed!  I will have to see if your SAM happened to be recording that conversation - I could become quite rich offering it for sale.”  His delighted laughter rang around the room as he headed back toward the Tech Lab.

Sara stared after him, a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth, wondering why his approval filled her with such warmth.

 

* * *

 

Stepping onto Havarl for the first time felt shockingly like coming home.  She couldn’t figure out why - it was completely foreign, like nothing she’d ever seen before - but for some reason, she took a deep breath and felt a small amount of ever-present tension draining out of her.

She glanced at her teammates.  Jaal was taking an identical deep breath, smiling absently at their surroundings.  Liam’s eyes were wide with wonder, his shoulders tight with the same tension she usually felt on a new planet.

The odd feelings continued as they traveled.  

When a flicker of motion caught her eye, she spun and sent a singularity at it without pause.  A challyrion flickered into view as it was lifted briefly into the air before dropping to the ground, dead.  Sara felt a rush of satisfaction, she smiled when Liam exclaimed about what a good kill it was.  Jaal had been a second behind her motion, his rifle ready but unfired when she killed the beast.  She grinned at him, her competitive streak afire at the challenge.  They all watched for the creatures after that, and they all spotted them, but she stayed ahead in the tally Liam had readily offered to keep.  Before long, it felt natural to detect the camouflaged beasts by the movement of the plants around them; the rush of satisfaction was easily explained by the competition and the rare pleasure of exercising her skills without guilt for killing sentient beings.

Navigating the twisting, hidden path to reach Mithrava was harder to explain away.  Few angara knew how to reach the place, but Sara moved with assurance, relying on an instinct that almost felt like memory.  She was mildly surprised to find that the angara believed in reincarnation, that they had proof to support this belief was more interesting.  Watching Taavos remember his past life was amazing but she had more pressing concerns; angaran beliefs - however verifiably - were quickly eclipsed by other matters.

They had succeeded in saving the scientists and in activating Havarl’s vault.  Sara was feeling pretty pleased with herself, until she found the survivors of the turian ark.  

Speaking with Avitus gave Sara chills, she couldn’t imagine having to break out of her own stasis pod.  The fact that the turians’ SAM hadn’t transferred to Avitus was promising; as they headed back to the Tempest, Sara was busy wondering how to break this news to Kandros.  At least some of the turian ark had survived, there was hope.

  
By the time the Tempest lifted off and Sara finished her reports to Nexus leadership, the odd feelings from Havarl had faded, easily attributed to nerves and her growing understanding of Remnant structures.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a long one, I didn't want to mess with the flow by breaking it up. Breakers ahead.

Moshae Sjefa was safe on the Tempest.  Jaal only wished the same could be said for his state of mind.  He had kept a protective arm around the moshae the entire trip back to the ship, and had hovered over her until Lexi kicked him out of medbay.  

He had come directly to the Tech Lab, avoiding the other members of the crew.  Determined to keep his mind occupied, rather than considering the horrible truth they had discovered, Jaal turned toward his latest project.  Vetra had given him a targeting visor, common in the Milky Way, which he was currently disassembling to determine if some of its features might be integrated into his own angaran version.  

It was delicate, fiddly work, not at all suited to a distressed mind and shaking hands.  The third time he dropped his tools, he flung the visor across the room with a shout.

The tinkling sound of the display breaking and falling to the floor made him feel immediately guilty.  The visor had been a gift, and he did not wish hurt Vetra’s feelings by mistreating it.  Stooping, he picked up the shattered pieces, wondering if he could put them back together.  

The fragile pieces seemed to represent his knowledge of the universe; shattered by the revelations about the kett and exaltation, it could possibly be made to work again, but it would never be whole, never be as smooth and seamless as it had been.

He was still kneeling there when the door to the Tech Lab swished open.  He knew it was Ryder without turning around.  Who else would it be?  She came in quietly, and paused before speaking in a low voice.

“Jaal?  What can I do?”

He sighed.  “There is nothing, Ryder.  To find out that we have been killing our own people for all these years… and worse, even now that we have this knowledge we must continue to do kill them… what can any of us  _ do _ ?”

Sara stepped further into the room so quietly that he didn’t realize she had moved until her hand came to rest on his shoulder.  He felt a jolt at the contact that made no sense; after all, his underarmor, armor, and rofjinn stood between his skin and hers  Still, the gentle pressure of her touch was enough to make him feel anchored; it was enough to allow him to regain his emotional balance.  He remained still for an extra few moments, revelling in her touch even if she didn’t know what it meant to him.  

Finally he stood, and turned to face her.

“Thank you, Ryder.  I... appreciate your presence.”

“Any time, Jaal.”  

She didn’t seem to know what to do with her hands and finally settled for clasping them in front of her.  He noticed that she rubbed the palm of her right hand as if she too felt some lingering effect on their contact.

“Anyway, I was in medbay earlier, and Lexi said you can go back up now.”

He smiled at her.  “Again, thank you, Ryder.  I will go now.”

He left, footsteps hurrying him toward the moshae; he was simultaneously disappointed to be leaving Ryder’s presence and relieved that he had an easy excuse to leave before he said something that he shouldn’t.

 

* * *

 

It took most of two days before Jaal worked up the courage to ask the moshae about his soulmate connection.  He waited until Lexi left them alone in the medbay before speaking.

“Moshae, I am wondering… how are you feeling?”

She gave him a patient smile that said she knew he had avoided some other question, but she answered evenly.  “I am much recovered, Jaal, thank you.  I need only rest.  Dr. T’Pero is quite skilled.”

“Yes, she is.”  He fell silent, one hand nervously rubbing the back of his neck.  

Moshae Sjefa decided to prod him a bit.  “What is it you truly wish to discuss, Jaal?”

“I… moshae, I think I have - is it possible that - I think I may have found my soulmate.”

She smiled with genuine pleasure.  “Jaal!  That is wonderful news!  Where is she?  How did you find her?  Who is it?”

Jaal caught himself beginning to pace; he made an annoyed sound in the back of his throat,  brought a chair over to her bed, and sat down instead.

“It… is- it  _ may be _ … Ryder.”  He glanced at her, hardly sure what reaction he was hoping for.  Pleasure?  Shock?  Denial?  Each would answer an aspect of his own tumultuous emotions on the matter.  

Moshae Sjefa was silent for a long moment, though he could tell she was thinking quickly.  Finally, she nodded.  “Yes.  Yes, it makes sense, Jaal.  Your Ritual, the oddness of your soulmate connection… it makes sense.  She slept, and more than slept, for 600 years.  Not dead, and so you did not feel that; but not in any way conscious, and so she simply didn’t have any emotions for you to feel.”  She smiled.  “This is wonderful, Jaal!  She said nothing of it to me when we spoke; what does she think of it?  Have her people ever had soulmates before?”

Jaal shifted uncomfortably in his seat, and refused to meet her eyes.  “I have… not spoken to her of it.  She quite obviously did not recognize me, as I recognized her, when we met.  I have wondered if I was… mistaken.  Mislead by my own desire to find my soulmate.”

Moshae Sjefa stared at him; it was a look he remembered from his time as her student, when he would say something so incredibly wrong headed that she couldn’t believe it had come from his mouth.  

“Ja- _ al. _ ”

He flinched.  He remembered that tone, too, and her habit of drawing his name out into two syllables, as if the usual one was insufficient to express her disappointment.  He felt uncomfortably like a teenager again, failing an exam because he had chosen not to study.

“How would you expect her to react the same as an angara would?  How strange it must be for her - especially if soulmates are unknown among her people!  How do you hope to discover whether it is her if you refuse to speak to her?  Is this the honesty that your soulmate deserves?  If you do not speak to her of it, how do you know she does not suffer as you do?

“Whether it is Ryder or not, your soulmate deserves for you to do your best to find her.  Is this, then, your best?  Whether Ryder is your soulmate or not, she deserves your honesty.  Is this honest?  Do you think she would appreciate you being here under false pretenses?”

She wasn’t yelling - the moshae never yelled - but Jaal felt worse with each word, hunching his shoulders and wishing to disappear.

“I am disappointed, Jaal.  I thought you, after all you have been through, would be eager to do anything you could to find your soulmate.  I thought you, after all you had been through, would be more considerate of the pain of others.  It is disappointing to discover that I was wrong.”

He knew he shouldn’t do it.  It never worked to argue with the moshae, especially not when she was in this mood.  He couldn’t help himself though.

“There is something else.  She is seeing a turian on the Nexus station.”

Moshae Sjefa shrugged.  “I am certain she sees a great many people every day.  How is this relevant?”

Jaal waved one hand in frustration.  “Apologies.  It is a human idiom.  It means that she is involved with him.  Romantically.”

“And you think that is a reason  _ not _ to speak to her?  How do you believe that allowing that relationship to progress will help matters?  You will increase the pain for all three of you.”

Unable to sit still any longer, Jaal stood, pacing around the medbay.

“I was hoping that you would tell me it was crazy, that I was wrong.  I was hoping that something would become more clear, reduce the risk of making a fool of myself.  Again.  I was hoping… I was hoping that she would recognize the connection on her own.  I do not know.  Something, anything that did not involve telling an alien who may not even have a soulmate - may not have even heard of the concept! - that I am hers, and she must choose between me and the turian she wants to spend time with.”

Sjefa watched his agitated movements, hiding a great many emotions behind a calm mask and quiet words.  Her heart cried for his pain, his confusion.  She was also slightly amused to see him so uncertain of his feelings - he had always made a point of downplaying his emotions when they were not of service to him.

She didn’t speak again, and neither did he.  She remembered his pacing, and knew he wouldn’t stop until he had reached a decision.

 

* * *

 

Eventually, Jaal’s pacing drove Lexi to kick him out of medbay with the claim that she couldn’t concentrate and the moshae couldn’t sleep with all that movement going on.  Jaal went to the crew quarters, deserted at this hour except for Liam, and continued his pacing.

When even Liam became annoyed with his nervous energy and suggested strongly that he find someplace where people weren’t trying to  _ work _ , Jaal took himself out of the room, and paced the walkway that ran between the crew quarters and medbay.

Unfortunately, his timing was bad, it was time for the team’s noon meal.  Peebee tried to dodge around him on her way to the galley, making an exaggeratedly annoyed noise when they almost became tangled together.  Cora avoided him more successfully, but stared at him in surprise when he didn’t acknowledge her presence.  Vetra, clearly warned by one of the others, went throuh the crew quarters and the bathroom, rolling her eyes at the necessity.  Drack simply stalked down the walkway, shouldering Jaal out of his way.

After several moments of peace, SAM’s voice chimed quietly in the hallway.

“The Pathfinder has received several complaints from the crew about your choice of location.  She wants you to know that if you wish to speak about anything, she is available; if not, she suggests that you relocate to the cargo hold, where there is less traffic.”

Jaal snorted, he wondered if Ryder’s phrasing had been quite to polite.  He stood still, facing the door to her quarters.  

With a slightly hunted look over his shoulder in the direction of the moshae’s bed in medbay, he walked to her door.  It swished open at his approach.

 

* * *

 

Sara wasn’t sure how she had gotten put in charge of action reports for Nexus leadership  _ and  _ Evfra, but that’s what had happened.  And, of course, they all had questions.  She was sorely tempted to just let SAM handle it - he knew everything she did, after all - but she reluctantly decided against it. 

So when SAM interrupted her work to tell her that several members of the crew had complained that Jaal was pacing the walkway outside her door, she was more than ready for an interruption.  Generally, she would have told SAM to ignore the complaints and let them figure things out for themselves; something stopped her this time, though.  Instead, she had SAM extend a tentative invitation to Jaal, following it quickly with an opportunity for him to turn her down gracefully.

She had enough time to remember the way her hand had felt on his shoulder - the  _ rightness _ of the touch and the gesture had taken her breath away - before the door swished open.

He looked around as he entered her room, and Sara realized he had never been here before.  Most of the others had, at one time or another, for a chat, but never Jaal.  She had always gone to him, either of her own accord or when he requested her presence, as if he was reluctant to invade her space.  

She waved from her spot on the large couch, ending with a gesture of invitation.  She was wearing her casual shipboard outfit, music playing softly in the background, she had a cup of tea within reach, and had curled her legs under her and settled into the comfortable sofa, hoping to make filing reports and answering questions slightly less of a chore.  As Jaal settled uneasily on the edge of the sofa furthest from her, Sara raised an eyebrow.

“Ryder.  I would like to ask you a question, if I may.”

She smiled, and set her datapad aside.  “Certainly, Jaal.”

“Do any of your Milky Way species - do humans - do you have soulmates?”

Sara blinked, it wasn’t a question she had expected.  Who would have mentioned it to him?  And why hadn’t they explained?  How had he known to ask, if no one had brought it up.  She suddenly felt nervous, and took a sip of her tea to cover the pause as she gathered her thoughts to answer him evenly.

“Yes, all the Milky Way species have soulmates.”  A thought occurred to her.  “Do angara?”

He nodded.  “We do.  We… value that bond very highly, and most of us put a great deal of effort into finding our soulmate.  There is a ritual, a… passage into adulthood… that helps us form a connection with our soulmate.  We are able to feel some of their emotions, after we complete the ritual.”  He fell silent, then added hastily, “and recognize them when we meet.”

Sara struggled to keep her face straight.  “Most of our people don’t have anything so clear to guide them.  The instant recognition, sure.  My parents were soulmates, they found each other that way.  Most don’t get anything so clear as your connection, though.”

Just her luck, Sara thought, Jaal picked up on her phrasing immediately.  “Most?  Do some, then, have a deeper connection to their soulmate?”

Her jaw was going to crack if she clenched it any more tightly, but the nervous flutter in her stomach was increasing.  She had never spoken to anyone outside her family about the empathic bond with her long-dead soulmate, and she wasn’t particularly interested in doing so now.  He was more than six hundred years dead, and she was more than willing to leave that painful period in her life behind her.  She owed Jaal an answer, though; she would do her best to keep it theoretical.

“Yes.  My mother told me once that it was a side effect of biotics, and occasionally eezo exposure.   Some people have an empathic bond with their soulmate.  Feel what they feel, if emotions are high or the bond is strong.”

“Ahh, biotics.”  Jaal seemed to find some deeper meaning in her words.  “Similar to our bioelectrics, then.  Yes, that makes sense.  You are considered a powerful biotic, among your people, are you not?”

Sara squirmed, setting her cup of tea aside before she could give away her nervous trembling by spilling the drink.  There was no reason to be nervous, she told herself firmly.

Still, she answered shortly, hoping to discourage him from continuing the conversation.  “Yes, I am.”

“And have you ever felt this bond with your soulmate?”  

Clearly she hadn’t been discouraging enough.  She tried again, more directly.

“I, hmm… this is a little more personal than is generally considered polite, Jaal.  I don’t know how angara treat this topic, but for us… well, it’s not something we talk about outside of family.  And rarely even then.”  

Jaal nodded.  “I understand.  We do not speak of it often, either.  I apologize for making you uncomfortable.”  He fell silent, and Sara hoped that he had given up the subject.  No such luck, she discovered in the next moment.  “I would tell you a story.

“When I turned fifteen, I was eager to learn about and perform my Ritual.  I had studied, along with several others of similar ages in my daar, for a whole year.  One by one, the others entered the anj paara and emerged adults.  None would tell us what happened.  On the day of my Ritual, Moshae Sjefa finally told me our most closely guarded secrets: that angara have soulmates, and that the Ritual would form a connection between each pair, helping us to find each other.  All the adults in my family were present, as I performed the Ritual that the moshae taught me.  

“It is supposed to be a very clear sort of thing; you either succeed, or you fail.  There are variations in the feel of it, depending on whether or not your soulmate has already completed the Ritual, but it is very clear to everyone who observes whether the Ritual is successful or not.  Mine, was different.

“I succeeded in forming the connection, but there was nothing there.  No return, no meeting of emotions, nothing.  The moshae knew - none better - what it felt like if the soulmate were dead.  It happens.  This… was not that.  This was something that no one had experienced before.  It caused… much confusion.

“And I was convinced that the fault was mine.  That I was somehow deficient.  I have spent my adult life trying to find that deficiency and correct it.  

“And then, one day, aliens arrived on Aya, and I found my soulmate.  And while not everything makes sense, some does.”

He finally raised his eyes to look at her.  Sara was sitting in the corner of the sofa, back pressed against the cushions as if she were trying to get as far away from him as she could.  She had her arms wrapped tightly around her knees.  

She shook her head when he looked at her, eyes begging him not to continue.  He did.

“Ryder - Sara.  You are my soulmate.  I could feel it as soon as I saw you.  Do you feel nothing of the connection between us?”

Sara’s breath was coming in gasps, but she managed to refute his claim forcefully enough.  

“That is  _ not _ possible.  I don’t know where you got this idea, Jaal, but I am  _ not _ your soulmate.  I want you to leave.”

Jaal started to stand, then sat back down with a shake of his head.  At her glare, he stood up again; he didn’t move away, but he didn’t quite dare to close the space between them, either.

“It is true, Sara.  Even if you cannot feel it, I can.  I know there are… complications.  We will work on them, I prom-”

Before he could finish, she was yelling at him.

“My soulmate is dead!  Do you hear me?  He _died_!  I felt him _die,_ Jaal!  After years of dreams that I couldn’t explain, emotions that weren’t mine, I.  Felt.  Him.  DIE.  I’m sorry you haven’t found your soulmate, but it is _not_ _me._ ”

He started to open his mouth, and Sara wasn’t sure if he was going to comfort her or argue with her.  She didn’t want either.  

“ _ Get out _ , Jaal.”  When he didn’t move quickly enough, she picked up her datapad and hurled it at him.  It missed the mark and clattered against the wall behind him, but had the desired effect even so.  

 

* * *

 

Jaal started towards the door, chagrin and anger building in him.  Anger was quickly winning - he hadn’t made a mistake, and if he had, this was not an appropriate response.  As the door swished open, he turned, his anger convincing him that staying and arguing was the best plan.  The sight that met his eyes quickly changed his mind.

Sara had toppled slowly over onto her side, her face hidden in the cushion of the couch, arms wrapped around her head as her shoulders shook with sobs.  He could barely make out her words between the muffling effects of the cushion and her tears.  She was repeating the same words over and over, like a mantra.

“My soulmate is dead.  I felt him die.  I’m alone.  My soulmate is dead.  I felt him die.  I’m alone.”

  
Shaken, Jaal turned and left the room without saying a word.


	12. Chapter 12

“My soulmate is dead.  I felt him die.  I’m alone.  My soulmate is dead.  I felt him die.  I’m alone.”

Sara whispered the words over and over to herself as she cried.  It was one of the defining truths of her life; one of the few things she knew unequivocally about herself.

“My soulmate is dead.  I felt him die.  I’m alone.  My soulmate is dead.  I felt him die.  I’m alone.”

It was the event that had most shaped her future decisions.  She had joined the Alliance to get away from the Citadel and her parents - who had lied to her about her soulmate until the night he died.  She had first become interested in the Prothean research because the idea of finding important pieces of people who had been dead for so long gave her hope.  It was half the reason she had been so willing to sign on with the Andromeda Initiative.

“My soulmate is dead.  I felt him die.  I’m alone.  My soulmate is dead.  I felt him die.  I’m alone.”

And yet…

Sara’s crying had slowed, and she sat up, sniffling slightly as she wiped her eyes.  She looked around the room.  Nothing had changed, and yet everything was different.

Jaal had said that he was her soulmate.  Which meant she was his.  She didn’t want to believe it, how was it even possible?

She had felt her soulmate die.  She knew that without question.  What Jaal said simply couldn’t be true.

And yet... Jaal had never lied to her.  He had never given her any reason to doubt his word; on the contrary, he had mentioned several times that he was horrible at hiding things, at being cautious, and the truth of that had been obvious.  His emotions were always shared openly with those around him.  

Sara stood up and started pacing around her room, a nervous habit she had developed since waking up in Andromeda.  Perhaps Jaal was mistaken.  He didn’t have to be lying to be  _ wrong. _  She enjoyed that possibility during several circuits of the room.  They could both be right.

And yet… hadn’t she felt drawn to him from the start?  Hadn’t she felt a compulsion to speak with him?  To learn about him?  She had simply assumed the feeling was a natural interest in an unknown species, first contact was something the Pathfinder team had trained for, after all, with great anticipation.  But what if it was more?

She crossed near her datapad and scooped it up.  The stupid thing hadn’t even cracked, despite it’s abrupt introduction to her wall; just her luck, the paperwork was still waiting patiently for her.  She tossed the datapad more gently onto her desk as she passed, her mind still in a tangle.

She couldn’t figure out how it was even possible, though.  She had been born more than six hundred years before Jaal.  She didn’t often think of the time she had spent in stasis, but it was still a fact.  She had felt her soulmate’s emotions ( _ and death _ , her mind whispered) long before Jaal had been born.  No matter how nice the idea was, no matter how many arguments she could make in its favor, that single fact was unchanged.

“Pathfinder.  Perhaps this would be an appropriate time to discuss your dreams.”

Sara scowled at SAM’s display on her desk, for once not worried about hurting whatever feelings he might have.

“SAM, I really can’t think of a worse  _ possible _ time to have a discussion about dreams.  I’m sorry, but I know you’ve been paying attention; how could you possibly think I would want to discuss my dreams right now?”

“Because it is relevant to your current line of thought.”

She stumbled to a halt, and blinked.  “What?  How?”

“While you were in stasis, I observed several dreams through your implant.  Perhaps dreams is not the correct word.  Nonetheless, while it appears that you do not recall the images themselves, the accompanying feelings have remained with you.  Did you not tell Dr. T’Pero that you felt ‘at home’ on Havarl?”

“That was just an expression, SAM.  I didn’t mean….”  She trailed off.  She hadn’t meant it literally when she told Lexi that.  And yet… her first impression of the planet had been one of extreme familiarity.  She had just become accustomed to the feeling, and pushed it to the back of her mind while focusing on their tasks.

“Why do you ask?”

“I believe it would be easier to simply show you.  I can show you the images that accompanied your stasis dreams, if you would like.  There were more emotions than images, but two did come through quite clearly.”

Sara took a deep breath.  She still wasn’t sure where SAM was going with this, maybe it had nothing to do with Jaal or her soulmate.  She knew she couldn’t ignore the possibility, though, so she sat down on the sofa again, closed her eyes, and nodded.

“Alright, SAM.  Show me.”

“This is the first clear image, Pathfinder, approximately two hundred years after you entered stasis.”

 

_ He was a hunter. _

_ He moved silently, gracefully, through the underbrush, searching for the prey that would feed his daar for the next few days.  He clutched his rifle in three fingered hands, large eyes scanning the darkness of the canyon floor. _

_ There. _

_ He saw the motion the challyrion made before he saw the creature itself, but that didn’t matter.  His finger squeezed, and the animal seemed to appear from nowhere as the bolt found it’s head; it fell over, and he grinned fiercely as he walked over to it.   _

_ With a grunt, he lifted the dead challyrion, and made his way home. _   
  


Sara opened her eyes with a gasp.

“SAM!  That’s… I did that on Havarl!  Killed a challyrion without actually seeing it!  How…”

“I believe that your subconscious remembered this dream, and acted accordingly.  Humans have muscle memory, do they not?  This is similar.  The heightened emotions you felt while on Havarl for the first time, most likely increased access to this memory.”

Sara stared at the floor for a long time.  

“I don’t understand, SAM.  My soulmate was anagaran?  Has that ever happened before?  And... I felt him die, and even so, this took place long after his normal life span would have ended.”

“I do not know if anyone from the Milky Way has had an angaran soulmate before.  How would they have been in a position to find out?  Your mother told you that finding your soulmate was nearly impossible as it was.  Would anyone think it particularly odd that they didn’t find theirs?  It would not be logical to assume their soulmate was in a different galaxy, when there are so many beings they never meet in their own galaxy.

“There is another image, if you would like to see it.  This occured approximately four hundred years into your journey.”

She took a deep breath.  “Alright, SAM.”

 

_ He was a student. _

_ He spent years studying every piece of history he could lay his hands on. Every written word, every recorded oral story of his people.   _

_ And finally, his hard work had paid off.  He had been invited to join the sages at Mithrava, to study, to learn with them, and - perhaps - to become one of them.   _

_ It didn’t matter now.  The crippling loneliness would only be useful now; the sages maintained a minimum of contact with the rest of society.  The pressing knowledge of inadequacy had already served him well, driving him to learn more, learn faster, study longer than any of his peers.   _

_ The sages may or may not have the same ties as the rest of the angara, but they certainly didn’t pursue such ties, and so surely they couldn’t place such importance on them as his family did.   _

_ Perhaps, in Mithrava, he could finally forget that missing connection, and live his life without feeling that consistent absence as a wound that would not heal. _

_ Perhaps. _   
  


Sara sighed heavily.  “It matches, again.  How I could find Mithrava, when the sages expected no one could reach them.  And… it is similar to what Jaal said he felt from that connection the anagara make.  But, SAM….”  She didn’t have words to continue.  

How could she tell him that she wanted to believe it, and didn’t at the same time?  It felt like a betrayal to the boy whose grief at his mother’s death she had shared, whose death she had felt.

“There is one final memory, though it does not contain images.”

“Fine SAM, but this is the last one, right?”

“It is, Pathfinder.  It occured very near to the time you woke from cryostasis, approximately 28 years ago.”

 

_ Hope. _ _ Try again.  Maybe this time, it will come out right. _

 

This memory started her tears again.  Even without images, the emotions overwhelmed her.   _ Hope. _  She so desperately wanted to reject that word, but the emotions that accompanied it prevented her from doing so.  He - whoever he was - had held so much  _ hope. _

She couldn’t help but hold on to her only remaining objection.  “But I still don’t see how it is  _ possible _ !”

He answered her with only two words.

“Taavos.  Zarai.”

And that was the key that unlocked the whole tangled mess.  

She had felt her soulmate die, because he  _ had _ died.  But her soulmate was angara, who demonstrably reincarnated.  Her soulmate had reincarnated three times while she slept, into the hunter, into the scholar, and finally - filled with hope - into Jaal.

It seemed incredible.  Even if it had happened, why had it happened to her, out of all the people in the galaxy - in two galaxies, she supposed - who was she, after all, in the grand scheme of things?  

But, there was an answer for that too, wasn’t there?  SAM had already said it.  Perhaps it had happened before, and no one had ever considered the possibility.  Why should they?  Until the Initiative, and six hundred years of stasis, no one had been in a position to encounter their reincarnated soulmate, no matter where they were or who they were.

This revelation, however shiny and - she avoided the thought ‘hopeful’ -  _ optimistic _ it seemed, didn’t solve everything.  She would need to relearn herself in this new light; her soulmate wasn’t dead, her heart might someday be whole.  On the other hand, she had felt her empathic bond with her soulmate shudder and die, and she didn’t have that same bond with Jaal; was something within her broken from that trauma?  Unhealable?  

This wasn’t going to be easy, but she should at least give Jaal a chance; see if it was possible to form some connection with him.  Sara sighed, leaning her aching head against the back of the sofa.  

Suddenly, she was overcome with longing for Kandros’ straightforward affection and his desire for a lack of ‘strenuous expectations.’  It didn’t get much more strenuous than this situation, and she could imagine his laughter, his teasing about the Pathfinder being so bored with a new galaxy to play in and thousands of lives to save that she had to go looking for the one thing that was least likely to have a clear path.  Sara smiled slightly at the thought.

A second later she sat bolt upright, one hand covering her mouth.   
“Oh crap!  Kandros!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, so I'm getting lots of questions about the why's and how's of this whole soulmate thing, here and on FanFiction. If this chapter doesn't clear it up, please please please let me know what you're wondering about! I'll make a codex entry or something to answer them. Thanks! ~Keth


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, while I catch my breath from all the *feelings* over the last few days. More on Monday. Happy weekend!

Jaal had taken a distant sort of pleasure in informing the moshae that she had been very wrong about the need to discuss things with Ryder.  It didn’t make up for the pain of being sent away from her quarters, much less the pain of seeing her sobbing as he left, but there was a small part of him that took a bitter pleasure in how thoroughly she had misjudged the situation.

Moshae Sjefa, naturally, would accept none of the blame for the fiasco; she was inclined to blame Jaal - his timing, his delivery, his waiting - and encouraged him to try speaking with Ryder again immediately.  This, Jaal firmly refused; he retreated to the Tech Lab and remained there, with the door locked, until they landed on Aya.

It wasn’t until he was standing in the cargo bay, waiting for the Tempest’s ramp to extend that he realized his error.  He couldn’t speak to her in front of the crew, and Evfra would be quick to reassign him; now that the Pathfind had proven that she could be trusted, Evfra no longer needed an observer on her ship.  

She would go to the vault, and then she would leave.  Everything would end with a sour note between them.  Jaal scowled, annoyed with himself.

The ramp extended and the moshae stepped out, Ryder and Jaal following her and the rest of the crew filing after them.  

Jaal was so busy trying to figure out a way to speak privately with Ryder before she left, that he hardly paid any attention to the civilities between Ryder, Paaran Shie, and the moshae.  Until Ryder’s voice broke his reverie.

“We made a good team,” Ryder answered, casting a sideways glance at him.

Jaal inhaled so sharply that he choked, trying to cover it with a chuckle.  He could feel Evfra’s eyes boring into him, and knew he had to answer.

“We freed more than just the moshae.”  Ryder was still casting glances at him that he could not understand.  What could she be thinking?  Why would she keep looking at him?  Had she tried to find him, to talk to him?  Had she avoided him as thoroughly as he had avoided her? 

Jaal blinked in surprise to find Evfra standing in front of him; Ryder was still beside him, the rest of the crew wandering toward the marketplace.  The moshae and Paaran Shie gone.

“Well done, Jaal.  Report for reassignment.”

Jaal had known this was coming.  Five minutes ago, he had been looking forward to it with relief.  He still was relieved, he told himself firmly.  He opened his mouth to acknowledge the order, and was completely shocked by what came out.

“I need to stay with the Pathfinder.”

A short silence grew between the three of them.  Jaal opened his mouth, intending to take it back, then changed his mind and remained silent.  It wasn’t what he had intended to say, but it was absolute truth.  He  _ needed _ to stay with Sara,  _ needed _ to figure out what was between them.  He remained silent as Evfra stared at him, and Sara’s eyes flicked back and forth between the two of them.

Finally, she spoke.

“Jaal has already become a valued member of my crew.”

He would have liked to jump up and down, right there.  She wasn’t running away from him!  He would have liked to sit down, his legs were trembling with nerves.  She wasn’t throwing herself in his arms, either.  He wanted to throw himself into her arms, but was worried that would make her retreat from him.  

Instead, he nodded, as if this were nothing more or less than he had expected.  “I need to file a mission report.  Don’t leave Aya without me.”  Quickly, he walked away before he could reveal any of his tangled emotions.

He sent rushed messages to his family, filed a report that was nearly incoherent, made a few hurried purchases in the market, and practically sprinted back to the Tempest.  The ship was deserted - the entire crew was exploring Aya’s marketplace - so Jaal was able to make his way to the Tech Lab without interruption.

He hurriedly unpacked the bag he had packed just before their arrival, his emotions so different from that time that he could hardly comprehend the change.  She was giving him a chance.

Quickly, before anyone else chanced back onto the ship, he made his way to Sara’s quarters.  The door was locked, but he persuaded SAM to open it for him.  He was in and out in less than a minute; by the time the first crewmembers arrived, he was firmly ensconced in the Tech Lab, attempting to arrange things more to his liking.

In the Pathfinder’s room, a small vase held a single flower, its petals shading from deep purple in the middle to brilliant blue at the edges.

When Liam stuck his head into the Tech Lab to congratulate Jaal on his assignment to the Tempest, and offer to buy him a round of drinks as a ‘proper welcome,’ Jaal had managed to settle his emotions enough to respond to the invitation with pleasure. 

As he followed Liam up to the conference room, Jaal smiled.  For the first time in far too long, he had hope.

 

* * *

 

Sara watched Jaal leave.  

He had avoided catching her eye, despite the fact that she knew he had noticed the glances she was casting his way.  His words were completely impersonal, his tone bland and controlled - quite different from his normally expressive voice.

And yet…

Somewhere, beneath the apprehension she felt about his reaction, beneath the nervousness she felt whenever she thought about him and what he might mean to her, there was another emotion rising.  It wasn’t as clear as the shared emotions she remembered from her teenage years, yet she was sure it was coming from Jaal.

_ Hope. _

For the first time in far too long, she had hope.


	14. Chapter 14

Things had started off so well.  As soon as she found the flower in her quarters, Ryder had come directly to the Tech Lab.

“Jaal.  Thank you so much for the flower, it’s beautiful and so thoughtful.”

He smiled, and nodded.  “I am glad it pleases you, Sara.  I was surprised and pleased, by your words to Evfra, and wanted to thank you.”

She bit her lip, and glanced down.  “I don’t know what to do about… this.”  She gestured vaguely between them.  “But, if it’s true - if it’s possible - I need to find out.  Will that be alright with you?  I don’t want to promise anything, because I don’t know how I’ll feel… I’ve mourned my soulmate for years.  But, I want to find out if that bond truly does exist between us, and if I can feel it.”

It was less than he had hoped for, but she wasn’t kicking him off the ship or denying him outright, so he would make the most of it.  He nodded.

“Of course, Ryder.  I will do anything you need.”

She smiled nervously.  “I don’t know what I need, but I suppose the best place to start is to get to know you better?  Will you mind if I come down to speak to you more often?”

He laughed gently at that.  “I would be most pleased if you would do so.”

Sara nodded and left, though she did make a point of speaking to him often after that.

It wasn’t progressing as Jaal had hoped, though, and he was growing more nervous with each day that passed.

Jaal had taken to studying his teammates, particularly the humans.  They had stopped looking surprisingly alien to him some weeks ago; after all, they had very similar bodies compared to angara - certainly humans and angara were more similar to each other than either were to the turians, the salarians, or the krogan.   He enjoyed the differences between humans and angara, and he was fascinated by the difference between the humans themselves, but now he was questioning his own acceptance.  Perhaps their differences were greater than he had thought?

For the first time since he had outgrown his teenage awkwardness, Jaal was having doubts about whether he was physically attractive.  

He had assumed that since he found Sara attractive, the reverse would be true, but Ryder never touched him.  

Every time she came to speak with him, he closed the distance she left between them, hoping that she take the invitation to set her hand on his upper arm while they spoke, as an angara woman would have.  Every time a conversation ended, he waited breathlessly, hoping that she would give him a hug in farewell.  And every day, while he tinkered with whatever weapon or armor or tech had caught his attention, he imagined Sara wearing an unshadowed smile that reached her eyes, rising on her toes and brushing a soft kiss against his cheek.

Further adding to his unsettled feelings was that he rarely felt anything through their connection; though he sometimes caught her watching him in a way that suggested she was picking up some of his feelings.  That was reassuring, as far as it went; but he had expected to have that insight into how the relationship between them was progressing.

The lack of emotional and physical cues was wearing down his confidence and optimism.

Finally, he determined to do something about it.  His mind made up, he sought out Liam.

Liam was sitting on his couch, watching a vid when Jaal found him, but he turned the vid off readily enough, and gave his full attention to Jaal.

“I was wondering, Liam, if I might ask you some questions - in confidence.  Questions of a personal nature.”  Jaal sat uneasily on the edge of the couch when Liam waved at it.  He had learned that his new crewmates didn’t always welcome his questions, but he had to ask someone, and Liam had seemed like his best choice.

“Well… yeah, I guess that would be ok.  Exchange of perspective, and all that, yeah?”

It turned out to be a fairly long conversation; Jaal explained about angaran connections with their soulmates, and his own disastrous Ritual.  Liam couldn’t entirely grasp his feelings on the topic - he had never found his own soulmate, and hadn’t been too concerned about it anyway - but he listened well enough to understand the background.

“This is the part I must ask you to keep confidential.  I have found that the Pathfinder is my soulmate.  The moshae agrees that it explains what happened with my Ritual.  You know that angara reincarnate?  Ryder felt her own soulmate die when she was younger, and does not entirely believe me.  She has agreed to give me a chance, but I do not believe it is going well.  I worry that she… does not find me attractive.  I do not look like a male of your species, after all.”

Liam’s eyes had widened almost comically at these admissions, and he was silent for a long moment.

“Well, what does your empathy connection thing tell you?”

“Nothing.  I have not felt any obvious emotions from Ryder through it.  I believe she has blocked it, although I do not believe this to be consciously done, as a result of the pain it brought when she was younger.  She should certainly be feeling more from me than she seems to.”

“So, we need an obvious reaction from her.  Something you can see, instead of just feel.  I’m guessing you don’t want to just up and ask her?”

Jaal looked horrified at the suggestion.  “The last time I spoke directly on the topic of our being soulmates, she threw a datapad at me.  I do not wish to undo the little progress we have made by being so direct again.”

Liam chuckled.  “Fair enough.  Let’s see what we can come up with then.  How body shy are you?”

 

* * *

 

Sara sat in her quarters, scowling at her terminal.  A blank email sat there, the persistently blinking cursor reminding her that she needed to say something.

She had changed her mind - drastically - on their schedule of Nexus stops.  From wanting to return at every opportunity, Sara had decided that the less often she went there, the better.  So far, she had been successful; there was plenty to do, of course, Vetra’s contacts could just as easily come to where she was than go to the Nexus, and time spent in unnecessary transit was time wasted.  So she told herself, though she had created an equally practical list of reasons  _ for _ stopping there often when she had wanted to.

In reality, she was avoiding Kandros.  She didn’t know what to tell him, about her, about them, about Jaal.  She spoke with Jaal often, and she had learned a great deal about him.  What she knew of him, she liked.  She thought she could have been very happy with him as her soulmate.  

But, it didn’t feel like it should have.  She remembered her mother’s story about meeting her father.  She remembered all the stories she had read, and even Jaal’s admission that angara felt that same instant knowledge when they met their soulmates.  She had felt none of these things; there was nothing in her feelings for Jaal beyond friendship.

She knew she owed him an explanation, she owed him the truth: whatever connection he felt between them - and she still didn’t doubt he felt one - she was too damaged to feel it herself.  She couldn’t honestly say she would ever feel differently, and thought that stringing him along with that hope was unfair.  She needed to tell him, and let him decide his course.

She had hoped to have that difficult conversation out of the way before speaking to Kandros.  Sara was concerned about his reaction to finding out that her soulmate was - sort of - still alive.  Now though, he had made that impossible.  He had sent her a message, and she knew she couldn’t hide behind duty for much longer.  His message had been innocuous enough: congratulations for her diplomatic success on Aya, an offer to celebrate ‘properly’ when she returned to Nexus.  Nothing pushy, not asking her to arrange her plans to his schedule or his whims.  In a way, it was a relief. 

In a way, it made things harder.

She needed to answer him, but she wouldn’t be the type of person who delivered important personal news through an impersonal message.  She needed to see him in person, and tell him what was happening.  Assuming that could be determined.

Sighing, Sara sent him a simple reply, promising to return as soon as she could.

She was about to go to tell Kaal about the change in plans, when she noticed a new email.  This one was from Liam, requesting… armor?  Sara shook her head, but headed out.  She should have all the supplies she needed; the request was odd, even for Liam.  She couldn’t wait to see where this was headed.

 

* * *

 

Having made up her mind to return to Nexus, Sara was eager to get the Tempest headed there before she changed her mind.  So she was already talking as she walked towards Liam.

“Liam?  I signed off on… that… project.”

Her voice trailed off and she took a moment to admire the view in front of her.  A shirtless Liam, tinkering with something on the workbench.  Well, this didn’t happen every day.  She was smiling slightly, when he answered.

“That’s great, Pathfinder.  Jaal ama Darav!  We got our gear.”

Jaal walked past her, his voice a casual drawl, “Kosta.  Ryder.”  

She was just about to nod in return when her brain caught up with her eyes.  He was completely naked.  He barely glanced at her as he joined Liam at the workbench.

Ryder couldn’t take her eyes off him.

She had to say something, anything, before he caught her staring.  “Is this show for my benefit?  Because… I’m benefiting.”

Liam chuckled, then he and Jaal ignored her as they fiddled with armor and insults instead.  Far too soon, in Ryder’s opinion, Jaal was leaving; she tried to sneak a look as he walked out, then couldn’t manage to look away.  

When Liam cleared his throat, she blushed, mumbled something that probably didn’t make sense, and left the room quickly.

Safely in her own quarters, she would have replayed the last several minutes over in her mind another few dozen times, but SAM interrupted her thoughts.

“Excuse me, Pathfinder, but Dr. T’Pero is wondering if you know why Jaal was walking around the ship without his clothing?”

Sara giggled.  “Tell her to ask Liam.  Serves him right.”  She quickly decided that wasn’t the most professional of answers.  “She...uh... isn’t upset, is she?”

“On the contrary, Pathfinder, she seems quite appreciative.”

His words sparked a flare of jealousy.  Frowning thoughtfully, Sara decided that perhaps the stop at Nexus could wait a little longer.  Clearly, she needed more information before making any decisions.

 

* * *

 

Liam was still chuckling at the look on the Pathfinder’s face as she left the room in a hurry.  He sent a message to Jaal.

_ “That enough of a reaction for you, Jaal?”  ~L.K. _

Jaal’s reply didn’t take long, satisfaction practically dripping from the words on the screen.

_ “Indeed.  It is most… reassuring.  I appreciate your assistance.”  J.a.D. _

  
When the crew gathered for dinner that evening, Kallo informed them that they would make landfall on Kadara before noon the next day. 


	15. Chapter 15

_ Ryder, _

_ I’m sorry you won’t be stopping at the Nexus soon, but I do understand.  There are a lot of people counting on you, and there is so much to be done. _

_ Your message said you are headed to Kadara Port, to speak with Sloane Kelly.  We hear only rumors on Nexus, so I don’t have any information about Kadara that you do not.  You asked me what Sloane Kelly is like, and I am not sure what I can tell you that will be of use. _

_ She is very intelligent and resourceful, but I’m sure you  could tell that just by what she has accomplished with the Exiles.  As a leader, and head of security here on Nexus, she was focused, determined.  I was not here for the uprising, but my understanding is that it was not her idea.  She has a very strong commitment to the people she protects; in this she is very like you, in fact.  However, when it came to the uprising, that commitment led her to side with the people, and against the rules and her duty to Nexus.   _

_ I have no doubt she will continue to prioritize people over rules, as long as she controls Kadara Port.  She will see nothing wrong with her actions, and be completely convinced of the rightness of her decisions; completely convinced that no sane person could act otherwise in her position.  People with convictions held as strongly as hers, always do. _

_ I hope you will find time to tell me about your meeting with her, and how you find her and Kadara Port.   _

_ Be safe out there, _

__  - Kandros _ _

 

Ryder was reading Kandros’ message for the third time, as Kallo and Suvi brought the Tempest in to dock at Kadara Port.  There was something… odd… about it, that she couldn’t quite put her finger on.  The tone?  The content?  She shook her head in frustration, it was subtle, whatever it was.  Perhaps she was simply reading her own emotions into Kandros’ message.  

Standing, she headed toward the airlock, interested to see Kadara Port.

 

* * *

 

Kadara Port was at once impressive and disgusting.  Impressive that the Exiles had come here with next to nothing, driven out the kett and held them off, and made a place for themselves.  Disgusting that crime and violence were rampant and permitted, even encouraged.  Trying to form an opinion was dizzying as she was presented almost instantly with wildly varying perspectives.

Further exploration of Kadara did nothing to dispel this oddly fractured opinion of the place.  

She had the same opinion of her angaran contact.  His smooth self-confidence was equally off putting and tempting.  Sara was well aware that her own tangled relationships left no room for even casual flirting, so she allowed annoyance to win.  Still, for as many times as she rolled her eyes at Reyes’ ridiculous claims and smug confidence, she found herself smiling or even laughing outright at his over the top flirting.

When she finally made her way to Outcast Headquarters to speak with Sloane, she found herself even more confused and unsettled.  Sloane was certainly not the most welcoming of hostesses, but there was something almost familiar about her.  Her severe hairstyle was flattering to her hard features and emphasized her startling eyes.  The tickle of familiarity about her was stronger there, making Ryder wonder if she had met the woman before.  

That first visit was brief, and tensely polite on Ryder’s side; subsequent visits relaxed slightly.  She came to respect Kaetus quite a bit, and enjoyed speaking with him.  He reminded her of Kandros without much effort, carrying himself with the same assurance and granting her the same bland acceptance that had first attracted her to the militia leader.  That he was Sloane’s second in command, as Kandros had been, stood out starkly to her.

 

* * *

 

 

After her main task in Kadara Port was accomplished, she thought it wise to avoid the city for a time, and focused on getting Kadara’s vault back online.  This proved to be an incredibly long task, since Kadara seemed to support all the people who had reason to interfere with her.

Finally, though, it was done.  She headed back to Kadara to let Sloane know what was happening.  Lounging on her throne, the leader of the Outcasts was as pleasant as ever, until Ryder mentioned that she would be leaving soon.

“You’re headed back to Nexus, I assume.  Bunch of idiots, the lot of them.”  A pause.  “How are they doing?”

Ryder arched an eyebrow curiously, but answered readily.  “Well enough.  We got a colony started on Eos, and that has raised everyone’s hopes.”

“I’m sure you’re a big favorite with Tann and Addison.”  Sloane said sneerlingly.

This startled a laugh out of Ryder.  “I doubt Tann will ever be pleased with me.  I’m not my father, and I’m not doing everything Tann says without question.  He isn’t arguing - too much - with the results, though.  Addison is pleased, enough.  I don’t really trust either of them, though.”

Another, longer pause, before Sloane spoke again.  “I’m sure Kesh is still trying to beat sense into them.”

“Oh yes, Kesh has more than enough stubbornness to stand against Tann.  She’s doing good work.”

“I don’t suppose you know who they put in charge of security?”

“They formed a militia after the uprising.”  Ryder smiled slightly.  “Kandros is doing an excellent job of leading it, and making sure I have the support I need in the field.”

Sloane leaned back, the shadows from the window behind her hiding her face.  “I’m sure he is.”  She seemed about to say something else, but then shook her head once sharply.  “That’s enough chitchat.”

The conversation apparently over, Ryder tossed her an ironic salute, and turned to leave.

It may have been a movement of Sloane’s, or just a flicker of sunlight through the window behind her, but suddenly Ryder knew what was so familiar about the woman.

Her hair, her armor, her demeanor.  It wasn’t just “stripped down to necessities,” not just “life on the edge of survival,” that had given that sense of familiarity.  It was deliberate.  Ryder spun back to face Sloane, bits of information falling into place like one of those infernal Remnant locks.  Her mouth opened to give voice to the question she already knew the answer to, but the look on Sloane’s face stopped her.  

She saw a familiar ache there, bitterness with a known cause.  

Ryder had seen that look on her own face often enough.  She would imagine that her father had seen it on her face the morning he found her sitting on her bed, contemplating a large knife.

_ Everyone deals with loss differently. _  Her mother had told her that.  Some people were devoured by it.  Some people pushed on and ignored it as much as possible.  Some people allowed it to fuel an inner fire, and went on to accomplish amazing feats, both terrible and wonderful.

She suddenly knew how Sloane had managed to drive the kett out of Kadara Port and claim it for herself.

Respecting that pain, Ryder didn’t say anything, just turned and walked out of the room.  As soon as the doors closed behind her, she pulled up her omnitool and opened a channel to the Tempest.

“Kallo, get everyone back on the ship, right away.  As soon as everyone is aboard, I want you to set course for Nexus, best possible speed.”

She waited for Kallo’s slightly surprised acknowledgement before signing off and jogging back to the docks.  She was due for a very pointed conversation with - she smirked as Liam’s new favorite phrase came to mind - a very weasling adhi.


	16. Chapter 16

Kandros approved the last militia request, and glanced at the time.  An hour ahead of schedule, he was pleased to see.  He would surprise Ryder.

The Tempest had docked several hours ago, and Ryder had sent him a message as they were on their way in.  He had invited her to make herself comfortable in his quarters while he finished work, and told her he’d meet her there.  He logged out of his terminal and headed for the tram.

He was looking forward to seeing Ryder again, and not only for herself.  It seemed slightly odd to be getting information about your soulmate from your girlfriend, especially when neither party knew what the other was to him, but it was Kandros’ only reliable way of learning how Sloane was doing.  

In the aftermath of the uprising, his promotion to leading the militia, and Tann’s suspicious scrutiny, Kandros had hardly dared to read the reports of the wild rumors from scavengers and smugglers.  The temptation of a first hand, credible report, with no way of his interest getting back to Tann, had been too much to resist.  

When Kandros reached his quarters, he opened the door, looking around for Ryder.  His rooms were modest, but comfortable enough, and he had managed to get the few personal items he’d brought from home, out of storage.

Ryder was sitting on his sofa, hunched over oddly.  He wasn’t being particularly quiet, but she didn’t budge when he walked in, or turn when he walked up behind her to see what was holding her attention so completely.  She had a book opened carefully on the table in front of her; a real paper book, he recognized it as his own by the faint blueish tint on the pages even before he recognized the writing in it as the turian script.  Ryder’s left arm rested on her knees, her omnitool open between her and the pages.  Translating the script, he realized, into something she could read.  He touched her shoulder gently, and was rewarded with a slight jump as she turned to face him.

“Kandros!  You’re early!”  She smiled brightly.  “I hope you don’t mind.  I couldn’t resist taking a peek when I saw your books.  I have never read turian poetry before, didn’t even know there was such a thing, to be honest.”

His mandibles flicked wide in a teasing grin.  “There isn’t much of it, and most of what there is tends to be rather martial in nature.”

Ryder laughed.  “Oh, I noticed.  I’m sure I’m missing half the artistry of it, not reading it in the original language, but I like what I have been reading.”

She closed the book, and took it back to tuck it carefully on the shelf where she’d found it.  Kandros watched her, absently enjoying the grace of her movements while he tried to decide how best to ask the one question that was foremost on his mind.  He decided to ease into it.

“What did you think of Kadara, Sara?”

She grinned, an expression he had learned meant she was about to tease him.  He braced himself, but was startled when she answered his question.  Perhaps he had read her incorrectly.

“It’s… dizzying.  I was amazed by the sheer magnitude of what the Exiles have accomplished there.  Driving the kett out, keeping them out, making a home for themselves, all while maintaining trade with elements of the Milky Way races and the angara… it’s impressive.  On the other hand, the place is a cesspool of crime and violence.  They seem to like it that way, for the most part.”

“And… you met Sloane Kelly?”  Even knowing that Ryder would never betray him to Tann, he asked it hesitantly, nervous that he might give away the depth of his interest.

That teasing grin flashed again, gone almost before it registered with him.  “Oh yes, I met her.  She’s something, isn’t she?  Funny story about her, but it didn’t happen until later.  First, I had to meet an angaran contact, Shena.  Who, surprise!  Was as human as I am!”

 

* * *

 

Three hours.  Ryder chattered on about her activities on Kadara for three hours, without once mentioning Sloane.  There was plenty to tell, of course, she had clearly been busy while she was there.  Several times, he tried to direct the conversation back to Sloane; each time, she brushed the attempt off with an allusion to a funny story, and assured him she’d get to it.  Then she went back to telling him about the rest of the planet.

The people she’d met, the things she’d seen.  The teammates she’d brought with her, and their reactions to the things they saw and did.  Finally, she paused her narration.

“Hey, I’m starving!  Do you want to go out, or order something in?”

Kandros obligingly called up the two nearest delivery options, and they made their choices.  She asked him persistent questions about what he’d been doing since they’d last seen each other, until the food arrived.  Finally, they were settled at his table with the food spread out between them.  

Ryder was quiet, focused on her dinner, so Kandros resigned himself to waiting, and took a bite of his own food.  While he was chewing, Ryder spoke again.

“So, anyway, there I was, just finished with a conversation with Sloane, when I realized why she seemed so familiar.  She’s your soulmate.”

Kandros choked.

Ryder just sat there, demurely eating her dinner, ignoring him while he gulped water and wheezed in shock.

“You… how did you… did she  _ tell _ you that?”

Ryder snorted, and now she looked at him, her expression exasperated.  “Of course not!  I doubt she would tell me the time of day, let alone something that personal.  She doesn’t have much love for the Initiative, after all.  

“No, I just put it all together.  It was a lot of little things; your message before I reached Kadara, her appearance and manner, the way she asked about you without really asking.  I almost didn’t believe it, because you told me you lost your soulmate.  I assumed - as you wanted me to! - that you meant she’d died.  But no, she’s just exiled to Kadara.”

Kandros was desperately trying to form a reply to this.  What could he say?  She was right, about everything.  He had meant her to assume he meant his soulmate was dead; he hadn’t wanted to explain why he was willing to have a relationship with someone else while he knew who and where his soulmate was.  He still didn’t want to explain that.  When he didn’t say anything, Ryder spoke again.

“Why are you here, if she’s on Kadara?”

“What?”  He blinked at her.  That wasn’t the question he had expected.  “I… I’m here because I have a duty to Nexus, and the people here.  I can’t lead the militia from Kadara.”

Ryder stared at him.  “But you haven’t tried to see her?  Or send her a message?  Or… anything?”

Kandros shook his head.  “You don’t understand what it’s been like here.  The Exiles are criminals, yes, but anyone who has any contact with them is also called a criminal.  Tann already suspected there was something between Sloane and I; though he didn’t come close to the truth, he’s always been suspicious of me.

“I have a duty here, and it’s a necessary one.  Someone has to lead the militia, to protect Nexus and our interests.  That job is increasing every day, as more of our people wake from cryo and head out into the galaxy.  That someone also has to be able to stand up to Tann when it’s needed - and it has been needed.  I can’t leave this to someone else.  I’m upset enough that Sloane left it to me without a thought for all these people when she joined the uprising.”  

The flanging note in his voice had increased as his emotions got the better of him; he paused for a breath before finishing more steadily, “I can’t risk contact with her.  No matter how much I want to.”

Ryder sighed and stood up, walking around the table to stand behind him.  She wrapped her arms around his neck in a hug, her cheek resting next to his.

“Yeah, I get that.”  

Her voice was quiet, and he let himself relax slightly.  She understood.  It was more than he’d hoped for.  

She didn’t move for a long moment, then she straightened and went back to her seat.  

“We’ll just have to fix it, then.”  Her voice was back to her usual optimistic tones.  “Get permission to set up a colony on Kadara, and the rest will sort itself out.”

Kandros wasn’t so sure, but her confidence was infectious, and he truly  _ wanted _ it to be possible, so he didn’t argue.

They finished dinner in a companionable silence.  Once the debris was cleared away, they moved back to the sofa; Ryder seeming nervous now.  Guessing that he knew what she was thinking, Kandros decided to beat her to it.

“I hope you will understand that this is not in any way a reflection on you, but I cannot continue this relationship.  It has meant more to me than I can tell you, Sara, please do believe that.  All this time, I’ve known that Sloane was lost to me.  I told myself she was as good as dead.  It was easier to think that way, and I almost started to believe it.

“Now, though, you’ve made me face the truth, and you know it too, and I just can’t continue a relationship with you, when you’ve brought her so much closer to me than she was.”

Sara smiled at him, her eyes clear.  “Oh, don’t worry.  I knew that as soon as I figured it out.  And, well, I haven’t told you about the other issue that came up while I was gone.  It’s a doozy.”

Kandros tipped his head to the side, watching her.  “Doozy?  That word doesn’t translate.”

“Yeah, well, let's just say that if we were giving out prizes for ‘shocking revelations,’ you and Sloane would come in second place.   A pretty distant second, at that, compared to the revelation Jaal dropped on my while we were taking the moshae back to Aya.”

 

* * *

 

It took the rest of the night for her to explain the “doozy” to him.   Jaal’s certainty and her own dismay; his persistence, and her own wildly varying emotions and credulity.  Kandros listened, and finally had to agree.  Sloane being his soulmate was a pretty tame revelation compared to this one.

Finally, they were both fighting yawns between words.  Kandros was leaning back comfortably on his sofa, feet on the table; Sara was sitting in that curled up position that he couldn’t imagine anyone but a human managing without injury, facing him, though her head was resting on the back of the sofa more often than not.

“Well, I hope you figure it all out soon, Sara.  For your own peace of mind.  You’ll be going back to Kadara, sometimes?”

She nodded.  “Yes, after we try to find the Archon.  Gil has a kett transponder, he should be able to find the ship for us.  We’ll leave directly from here.  Once we’ve finished there, I’ll head back to Kadara.  There’s a lot to do there still.”  Ryder grinned.  “Want me to pass any messages along?”

“No, that would not be wise.  Just, please… keep Sloane safe, if you can?”

He knew it was unlikely that there was anything Sloane couldn’t handle, and even more unlikely that Sara would be present and able to help if anything did happen.  But he couldn’t stop himself from asking.  She was already nodding, anyway, not bringing up any of the logical objections, so he thought she probably understood.

Before he could say anything else, her omnitool beeped a message.  As she read it, he looked at his own omnitool; they’d talked through the night, he was due back on duty in just a few hours.  

Ryder stood and gestured at her screen.  He would have stood as well, but she waved him off, so he stayed sitting. 

“Well, duty calls, Kandros.”

Kandros chuckled slightly.  “You and me both, Pathfinder.”

 

Her answering smile was brilliant.  She leaned down, and kissed him, a soft brush of her lips against his mandible.  

  
Then she was gone, leaving unlikely hope in her wake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I personally completed *everything* before going after the Archon. I was worried that it would be like ME2, where teammates would die if their loyalty missions weren't completed. However, I've looked it up, and the walkthroughs make it seem totally possible to go after him before even finishing Kadara. I'm sorry if this doesn't turn out to be true, but that's how this story goes, 'cause I *really* want to get to the Archon part of this story! Archon on Monday (hopefully. I wrenched my back pretty badly last weekend, and sitting at the computer still hurts, thus the slower updates this week. Getting better, though!).


	17. Chapter 17

Jaal was pacing the Tech Lab in quick, agitated strides.  Sara had spent the night on the station, not on the ship.  He knew she would be on her way back now, since Gil had sent a message to the entire crew when he got the kett transponder working correctly.  Still, it wasn’t much consolation when she had been gone for so long.  

He felt the ship lift away from the docks.  Ryder would be talking to each of them when their course was set; Jaal tried to calm down so he wouldn’t say anything regrettable when she spoke to him.  He had not managed to find any calm when she walked into the room; on the contrary, he was remembering the last time they had docked at Nexus and the smile with which she had greeted the turian.  She had never yet smiled at  _ him _ in that manner.  So it really wasn’t surprising when the first words out of his mouth carried a rather snide tone.

“You had an agreeable time on the station, I trust?”

He was getting better at reading Ryder’s expressions; he saw in the sudden lift of her eyebrows that she was surprised.  Watching her, he could see the instant her surprise shifted to annoyance.

“Yes, quite, thank you.”

Her own tone gave nothing away, as she no doubt intended.  Jaal huffed an annoyed breath.

“You cannot expect me to like the fact that you are in a relationship with someone else.  You cannot expect that I will accept easily.  I am trying to give you the space to decide what you feel between us, but it  _ is not easy for me. _ ”  

As he scowled at her, he watched her sigh.  Her expression softened, not annoyed now, but something that seemed almost sad.

“Then you will be relieved to know that I am no longer in a relationship with him.  Even before you told me that you are my soulmate, I knew that what Kandros and I were doing was casual.  Our trip to Kadara simply clarified that.  We did nothing tonight, except talk.”

She turned to leave, quietly and without her usual energy; Jaal realized that whatever she had said, she felt the loss of that relationship.  He wanted to rejoice that it was over; he wanted to comfort her that she had lost something important.  He was pleased for himself, and what this might mean for them; he was saddened for what it would mean for her.  Whatever comfort her relationship with Kandros had given her, she wasn’t ready to allow hm to provide that for her; she would be feeling the loss of it; she who already carried so much weight on her slender shoulders.  

Unable to decide what to say, and unwilling to say the wrong thing and bring her more pain, he remained silent as she walked to the door.  When she reached it, she straightened slightly, and turned back; a professional mask had fallen across her features, she showed him the Pathfinder, no trace of Sara anywhere in her bland expression.

“We’ll be at the Archon’s location in a few hours.  I’m bringing you and Drack with me.  Be ready to go.”

 

* * *

 

**_Pain._ **

Pain filled him, consumed him.  It burned away everything until all that was left was pain.

Hanging motionless, caught in the Archon’s trap, Jaal  _ was _ pain.

He’d thought the nothingness of his soulmate connection had been painful, this was infinitely worse.  He’d thought that nothing came through the connection from Sara to him, that had not been the case.  Now, with complete silence in his mind for the first time since his fifteenth birthday, it became apparent that there had always been something - some sort of white noise with no meaning, perhaps, but  _ something _ .  

Or it would have been apparent, if he could think of anything besides the  _ pain. _

The moshae had always described the breaking of a soulmate connection as a “snap.”  It was an enormous understatement.

Hanging there, unable to move - unable to do anything about the pain that filled him even if he could have moved - Jaal had no idea how much time passed.  He was vaguely aware of Drack talking to SAM, and SAM’s calm voice responding.  He had no thought for anything except the pain that filled him, consumed him, and ate away at his soul.

Suddenly, he was falling.  He landed on his feet, shaking his head in an attempt to think past the pain and regain an awareness of his surroundings.  

The effort had some small effect, his vision cleared enough that he could see the room again.  Drack was standing to his left, speaking to… Ryder?  She was alive.  How was that possible?

Jaal stared at her, completely incapable of making sense of what he was seeing.  Ryder stood there, alive, and he felt nothing.  Nothing but pain.

No connection.  Nothing from her to him.  Nothing from him to her.  He searched within himself frantically where his soulmate connection had been, only to find it gone.

Despair threatened to overwhelm the pain, replace it, and return it stronger than ever.

He had no soulmate connection.  He looked at Ryder, hoping desperately to trigger something within himself or within her.  Nothing. 

Without the connection, he had no way to recognize his soulmate, and the connection had vanished in the instant of her death.  

Jaal dropped to the floor, curling in on himself; his weapon dropped from his nerveless fingers, he wrapped his arms around his head.

Sara was there immediately.  In an irony he would never be willing to appreciate, she seemed to understand what had happened.

“Jaal?  Jaal, are you alright?  I’m sorry, I didn’t think.  I should have warned you.”  She laughed, a forced sound.  “I guess that’s proof of that connection you were talking about.  It’s alright now, though.  I know it hurts, but it will pass.  And I’m fine.”

He shook his head, denying her words, though he couldn’t manage to answer her yet.  She stayed silent, patient, though he knew time was slipping away from them.  Finally, he managed to straighten.

“It will not pass, Pathfinder.  The soulmate connection… is gone.  I do not know why or what it means, but this is more than just feeling your death.”  

Her eyes widened, first at his sudden return to formality, then as the meaning of his words penetrated.  “I’m… not your soulmate anymore?”  At least, he thought wryly, she sounded dismayed at the prospect.

“I do not know.  Angara find their soulmates because of the connection.  I have never heard of one finding their soulmate without the connection.  I will have to speak with the moshae, to find out what this means.  But now is not the time.  We still have a job to do, do we not?  I am recovered, we can move forward.”

He picked up his rifle, ignored the hand she held out, and stood on his own.  He nodded at her concerned look, and fell into his usual position behind her.

The pain still filled him, but he could think around it for now.  The pain still tried to consume him, but he let it take his despair, and focused on the task at hand.  

When they returned to the Tempest, the focus of battle left him, and only the pain remained.  He hardly knew how he got to the Med Bay, he was only vaguely aware of Ryder giving Kallo orders to make for Aya with all speed.

In any other circumstance, he would have been pleased with Ryder’s concerned hovering, would have relished her hand on his shoulder - the first time she had ever touched him of her own accord.  But now, he couldn’t focus on any of those things.

There was only pain.


	18. Chapter 18

Jaal left the Med Bay - he refused to consider it “escaping the Med Bay” - as soon as he could manage it.  He was tired of Lexi’s constant poking and prodding as she tried to find the source of his pain, despite his repeated assurances that there was nothing physically wrong with him.  He was unsettled by Ryder’s solicitous hovering.  A new thought was presenting itself to him, and he wanted peace in which to consider it.  He waited until Lexi stepped out, then made his way quickly to the Tech Lab, and locked himself in.

She followed him, of course.  It was far easier to ignore Ryder’s hovering when she was on the opposite side of a locked door, however.  When she had SAM threaten him with a medical override, he offered to submit to - yet another - fruitless exam by Dr. T’Perro.  He could almost hear Ryder’s annoyed sigh when SAM replied that an exam would not be necessary.  

After that, he was left in peace.

He felt it when the ship landed, presumably on Aya; he was faintly surprised that they lifted off again after only a few moments, but this was explained an hour later when the door beeped an entry request at him.  He denied it, of course, and a moment later the comm engaged.

“Jaal.  Open the door.”  

He blinked at the comm speaker.  The moshae had come aboard, and was traveling somewhere with them?  That was… unexpected.

He had stared in surprise at it for too long, apparently.  When Moshae Sjefa spoke again, her tone was devoid of its usual patience.

“Jaal.  Open the door.”

He sighed, and unlocked the door.  Feeling resentful and rebellious, he didn’t open it for her; he turned his back on it, and busied himself with his latest project.  Distantly, he realized he was acting like a teenager, but he couldn’t find it within himself to care.

Moshae Sjefa walked in, pointedly ignoring his lack of manners, and moved across the room with her usual grace.  She put a hand over his, forcing him to stop working.  When he refused to meet her gaze, she stood there, serenely patient, and waited.

Finally, unable to stand the weight of her silence, Jaal met her eyes.  He saw understanding there, and annoyance.  He wasn’t sure what he had expected, but the annoyance surprised him.

“You are certainly making a spectacle of yourself, Jaal.  Sulking in here, letting everyone worry about you.  Ryder has told me what happened, and what you said.  Is it truly gone?”

Jaal was scowling at her assessment of him, and answered curtly.  “Yes, my soulmate connection is gone.  She died, and though she came back, the connection did not.  We are no longer bound.”

To his very great surprise, Moshae Sjefa smiled.  “That is fortunate.  I am sorry for your pain, Jaal, of course.  I do not minimize it.  But don’t you realize what this means?  You have a chance to reform the connection between you - correctly, this time!”  

Jaal was shaking his head, even before she had finished.

“No.  I will not.”

“What?  Whyever not?  Jaal, don’t you understand what I’m saying to you?  Yes, the connection is gone, but it was broken - through no fault of your own - and didn’t serve either of you properly.  Now, your soulmate is alive, and awake, and  _ here _ .  You can perform the Ritual again, and form the connection as it should be.  I believe Ryder will feel it, too, when you do.”

Jaal shook his head, stubbornly; as much as he wanted to turn away, he held her eyes so she could see his determination.

“No.  I will not.”

This was the new idea which had grown within him as he lay in Med Bay, drowning in pain.  For the first time, he spoke it, and saying it aloud made it seem even more right.

“She does not want me.  She does not feel that I am her soulmate.  She will not trust me, and will not believe my word.  So now, we are free of each other.  There is no connection between us.  I look at her, and do not see my soulmate.  She looks at me, and does not see her soulmate.  This is an opportunity I do not plan to deny.  

“I will not perform the Ritual.”

Moshae Sjefa tried to reason with him, but he steadily refused to listen.  Finally, even her patience was exhausted.  She glared at him for a final moment, then turned to leave.  At the door, she paused, and turned back.  

“Very well, Jaal.  If you will not, you will not.  I refuse to continue arguing the matter with you.  But consider, if you will, what you are doing to the person who you  _ know _ is your soulmate.  

“You have lied to her; you promised to give her time to figure things out, and now you use the fact that she took you up on that offer against her.

“You say she doesn’t trust you, doesn’t believe you.  Yet, when you told her that she is your soulmate, she believed you enough to end a relationship that brought her happiness and comfort.

“I understand that you are in pain, but do not fancy that you are the only person to ever feel this loss.  You know that I have felt the death of my soulmate.  Do you not think I would have given everything I own, everything I  _ am _ to find that he was still alive?”  She took a long, steadying breath before continuing.  

“Your own soulmate has felt this pain as well.  She has told you this, I know she has.  She told me, when I came aboard.  Did she tell you that the pain drove her to consider taking her own life?  Think Jaal, think how close you came to losing her before you were even born.  

“Think of how far she has come, how much she has given up, how long she slept and the dangers she faced, in order to be here with you now.  

“And what do you do with this gift?  You throw it away, because it is not immediately perfect.  You are acting like a petulant child, Jaal.  Well, I will not encourage this behavior.  If you wish to deny your soulmate, you must tell her so yourself.  She has set a course to Havarl, since I told her what must be done, and neither of us considered that you could be so stubbornly self-absorbed.  If you don’t wish to perform the Ritual, you must tell her yourself.

“I am sure she has many pressing matters to attend to, and will want to reset her course.”

Before he could even think of a reply, she swept out the doors, and was gone.

 

* * *

 

Ryder had hoped that when the moshae finished speaking with Jaal, he would leave the Tech Lab.  Perhaps even come speak with her.  She could only imagine the relief he would feel at knowing the connection could be reformed.  Fixed, the moshae had said.  

Sara had asked SAM if he and Lexi could try to find a way for her to form a similar connection with Jaal.  After all, it was her biotics that had created the original empathic bond with her soulmate all those years before… now that they knew what the angara did, it should be possible to form that bond on purpose.  She was full of nervous energy at the prospect.  She had thought that part of her life was over, gone.  To find that she might get it back was dizzying.  Even if it didn’t work, it would be alright.  

Jaal knew that they were soulmates, all the rest they could work on.  

As painful as it had been, ending her relationship with Kandros had given Sara a new perspective on this soulmate thing; with no part of her heart held elsewhere, she could appreciate the amazing gift she had been given in finding Jaal.

So it was something of a shock when the moshae came to her quarters - alone.  She did not look pleased; in fact, she looked unusually annoyed.

“You must speak with Jaal.  Perhaps you will succeed where I have failed, and talk some sense into him.”

Sara frowned.  That was ominous.  “What do you mean?”

“He is refusing to perform the Ritual.  He says that this has freed you both from a bond that you clearly do not want.  He refuses to consider anything besides his own pain and frustration.  He sees only what he wants to see, and ignores the rest.”

Sara sat on her bed with a  _ thump _ .  She stared at the moshae, fighting the tears that threatened to rise up.  “He won’t even try?”

“He will not.  He believes that you do not trust him, among other bits of nonsense.  I have told him that he must explain this to you himself.  He must tell his soulmate himself that he is throwing away this gift.  Go, he is expecting you.  Try to talk sense to him.”

Sara sat staring at the door as it closed behind the moshae’s retreating form.  She couldn’t decide if she was more hurt or angry; the tangle of her emotions would take some time to sort out, though, and Jaal was expecting her.  Stealing herself, she stood and walked calmly to the Tech Lab.

She entered without warning; it was her ship, after all, and she could go where she wanted.  Anger was winning.

She had walked in on a conversation, it seemed, Jaal was sitting in front of the comm, and a concerned voice issued from it.

“You, more than anyone, know how dangerous Akksul is.”

The worry in the anagaran voice was palpable, and Ryder slowed her steps rather than interrupt.

Jaal’s response was sharp with concern.  “Why were they allowed to speak with him?”

A different, calmer voice answered.  “They aren’t children anymore.  We can’t control their every move.”  The voice added, sounding almost amused despite whatever was worrying them.  “You remember how you were.”

The first voice cut back in.  “ _ Please _ , Jaal.”

He sighed heavily.  “I’ll bring them home.”  Then he closed the comm before they could say anything else.

“Are you ok?”  She asked it hesitantly, afraid of his answer.

He was too disturbed by the conversation to respond with anything besides worry for his family.

“Three of my brothers and sisters have joined the Roekaar.  Akksul has poisoned them with his hatred of aliens.”

He walked away from her.  When he turned back, he looked at her for the first time since SAM stopped her heart.  The pain in his voice was for his family, for himself, and possibly even for her.  It cut straight through her own anger.

“Ryder.  He has my family, but I do not think I can do this alone.”

She responded to his pain without thinking; her words, falling between them with conviction, the first steps toward rebuilding their bond.

He sighed with relief.  “No hesitation.  That is what I love about you.”  He seemed to realize what he had said, and hurried on, his tone more formal again.  “I have a contact who’s been monitoring the Roekaar.  I’ll set up a rendezvous with her.”  

He turned away, and busied himself at his terminal, ignoring her with a determination that showed he had spoken his true feelings, and regretted it.

Ryder left quietly, uncertain what this might mean for them, but unwilling to push him when he was concerned about his family.

 

* * *

 

Jaal was unusually calm as they made their way through the govataan.  Ryder had expected to have to hold him back as nervous energy drove him forward.  That wasn’t what happened, though.  He was calm, and quiet, and steadily assured in his course.  

She had asked several times if he thought she should stay behind, but he insisted that her presence was necessary.  Each time, he asked her to trust him, to follow his lead.  Each time, she agreed; she knew he was testing her, knew her words carried a weight far beyond their meaning.

When they finally faced Akksul, she was almost sorry that she had made that promise.  He held a pistol, pointed at Jaal’s head, and everything in Ryder yelled at her to take him out before he could shoot.

“Jaal…?”  She hated the way her voice shook, but she couldn’t stop it.  She was certain that she was about to watch Jaal be killed; but with the moshae’s words about trust echoing in her mind, she knew that if he asked it of her, she would let it happen.  

And it did.  Akksul fired.  Before Ryder could consider whether Jaal’s death freed her from her promise not to kill Akksul, the bolt struck a rock.  

Ryder blinked.  Akksul had missed?  No, she realized, he hadn’t entirely missed; the bolt had grazed Jaal’s cheek, leaving a painful looking slash in its wake.

He seemed to shake his brush with death off remarkably quickly, finishing the mission with a determination she could only envy.  Shaking her head slightly, Ryder followed Jaal and his brothers and sister back to the shuttle.

 

* * *

 

Watching his mothers greet their children, Jaal took the first full breath in what felt like days; and immediately winced at the pain in his face.

Glorious pain, he thought.  Healing pain.  He would carry the scar, always; proof that Sara trusted him.  Perhaps he had been hasty in his refusal to perform the Ritual.  Perhaps it should be done.  

He glanced at Sara, leaning on the railing beside him, giving his family their privacy.

“Thank you for trusting me.  Killing Akksul would have made the Roekaar stronger.”

“He shot you.”  She sounded indignant, and it almost made Jaal smile.

“I knew what I was doing.”

He extended his arm in the anagara gesture that he had taught Ryder when they met.  Smiling, she met him, her arm bumping along the length of his.

Jaal laughed, feeling hope rising within him.  “You’ve been practicing!”

“A little,” Ryder returned, smiling still.

Jaal took a deep breath.  “Ryder - Sara - could we spare the time to visit my family home?  The moshae has said that if I perform the Ritual again, it may reestablish the connection between us.”  He paused, struggling to read her expression.  “I should like to try.”

She tipped her head to the side, considering him.  Suddenly, he was nervous.  Had the moshae told her what he’d said?  Would she refuse?

“I think we can make the time.  If you’re sure.”

He sighed with relief.  “I am not sure, but I am… hopeful.”


	19. Chapter 19

Jaal took a deep breath, and braced himself.  “I have changed my mind.”

“Have you?  What about?”  The moshae watched him calmly.

“I would like to perform the RItual again, while we are on Havarl.”  She didn’t move, so he added plaintively, “Please?”

The moshae laughed.  “Of course, Jaal.  I am pleased that you are being sensible.  Come, then, and we will prepare.”

 

* * *

 

 

It took three days before the moshae and Jaal were ready to go to his family daar to perform the Ritual.  They wanted to give his family time to recover themselves after the fears over his siblings of course; but they also needed to be sure that his family understood what was happening, and what was expected of them.  A second Ritual, when the first had not clearly failed, was unheard of.  The situation was an odd one, and they wanted to give everyone time to adjust.

Ryder spent the time closed up in the medbay, speaking with Lexi and SAM; eventually Cora was admitted as well, her superior training and knowledge of biotics meant she had some answers that neither Ryder nor Lexi possessed.  By the time Jaal and the moshae told Sara it was time to board the shuttle that would carry them to his home, she was ready.

Sara wasn’t sure if she would be able to create her own end of the connection that Jaal would be creating between them; everything SAM knew about angara bioelectrics and everything Lexi and Cora knew about biotics suggested it should be possible, but it wasn’t exactly a testable theory.  So Ryder said nothing about it to Jaal.  She would try, and if it didn’t work, then they had lost nothing.  If it worked, it would be a welcome surprise for him.

They arrived at Jaal’s home at sunrise.  Despite the fact that he already knew about the Ritual, and wouldn’t need to spend the morning learning about it, the moshae had decided that they would keep things as close to tradition as possible.  So, he would spend the morning alone with the moshae, and then would meet his family in the anj paara at noon to perform the Ritual.  

Since only adult angara were permitted to attend the Ritual, Ryder would have to wait alone for it to be completed.  His family, already in an uproar over the whole idea, had been resistant to entertaining a lone human while he prepared for the Ritual.  Ryder, secretly pleased to have the time to herself, assured him she didn’t mind.  

The shuttle landed.  Ryder smiled at Jaal, despite the nervous fluttering in her stomach.  She stood as he approached; instead of following the moshae out of the shuttle, he stopped in front of Ryder.

“Sara.”  He set his hands on her shoulders, his luminous eyes fixed on her face.  It hardly seemed fair that he was completely calm about all this.

“Jaal.”  She met his eyes and lifted her hands, trembling slightly with nerves, and grasped his forearms.  Her hands may have been shaking, but her grip was firm.  “I feel like I should say something.  Humans would say ‘break a leg,’ but I doubt that idiom translates well.”

For a moment, his attention was diverted; he wanted to know what the phrase meant and why she would be wishing an injury on him at this time.  Reluctantly, he let the questions pass unasked.

“We would say, ‘stay strong, and clear,’ dear one.”  

Sara grinned, letting out a short laugh.  “That does sound better.  So.  Stay strong and clear.  Dear one.”

Jaal’s heart swelled at the endearment.  Stooping quickly, he kissed her forehead, then left the shuttle to follow the moshae.

 

* * *

 

Ryder waited until Jaal and the moshae were clear of the shuttle, then peeked out.  The landing pad was deserted.  She walked slowly down the ramp, and looked around.  She wanted privacy for her attempt, but she also wanted to be outside - if this went wrong, she didn’t want her biotics to accidently fry the shuttle’s systems, after all.

As she walked around the shuttle, she got a better view of the cliff wall that rose above Jaal’s family home.  It looked climbable.  She walked closer to it, and spotted a good sized outcrop halfway up the cliff face.  That would do well, she decided, and started climbing.

It wasn’t long before she was wishing for her jump jets, clearly she had gotten lazy since they had been installed on her armor.  Sara scowled at herself, and kept climbing.  When she finally reached the perch, she fell over to lay on her back, staring up at the rapidly brightening sky above her while she caught her breath.  

Finally she sat up.  She wanted to have her attempt completed before Jaal started his Ritual, and time was passing quickly.  She was worried that if she tried anything during the Ritual, it would throw things off.  From everything the moshae had told her about the Ritual, if this attempt was successful, Jaal wouldn’t know she had done anything until he completed the Ritual himself.  Then, instead of a connection that led to a closed door, he would find that door open.  Sara took a deep breath and smiled.  That would be a wonderful surprise for him, if she could make it work.

Settling herself, she began.

 

* * *

 

When Moshae Sjefa told Jaal that it was time to go to the anj paara, he followed her without a word.  He didn’t dare glance back at the shuttle as they walked; he was feeling nervous now; he wasn’t sure if it would be worse to see Sara watching him expectantly or not to see her at all, so he carefully kept his gaze fixed on the anj paara as they approached it.

His family waited within.  Unlike his first Ritual, there was no excitement, no good natured teasing.  Half the jokes would have fallen flat, seeing as how he was no longer fifteen years old, but the silence was faintly ominous.  His family didn’t know what to make of any of this, and though they had agreed to stand witness, he doubted they knew what outcome they were most hoping for.

It did not matter, he decided.  He knew what he had felt between himself and Sara before.  They were soulmates.  Without the connection, it might be harder to build a relationship between them, but he no longer doubted that they could.  The recent stress and concern for his family had shown him how he truly felt for Sara, when his self doubts and fears were pushed away.  He loved her.  Surely that was enough for going on with.

Moshae Sjefa also ignored the unusual atmosphere within the anj paara.  She led Jaal to the center of the room, and motioned him to kneel in the center of it.  She stood in front of him, his true mother stood behind him, and the rest of his family filled in between them until they formed a circle around him.  Moshae Sjefa looked around the circle, meeting each pair of eyes, before speaking.

“We are here to witness the Ritual of Jaal ama Darav.  Today, he forms the connection to his soulmate.  We suspect this will feel like forming a connection to one who has not completed her own Ritual, since Ryder is human.  It may not work at all, as we have explained to you.  Nonetheless, today Jaal reaches for his soulmate, and we will be his witnesses.  None may assist him, we simply observe.”

The moshae’s voice was clear and calmly modulated.  Though the words differed slightly from the traditional introduction of a Ritual, they were close enough to bring some comfort to everyone gathered.  She spoke slightly slower than normal, and as she finished, the sun reached its highest point.  The opening in the top of the anj paara was directly over Jaal’s head where he knelt in the center of the building, allowing a clear beam of light to fall on him, creating a circle just slightly smaller than the one formed by his family.

Everything was ready.  The moshae nodded to Jaal; he drew a deep breath, and began.

 

* * *

 

Even with his eyes closed, Jaal could see the sunlight in which he knelt.  It helped him focus and enhance his bioelectrical field.  The test - holding the field within himself while it grew, letting none escape - had seemed so difficult when he was fifteen.  Now though, with years of experience - and combat experience - behind him, it was simple.  

He turned his attention to the place within himself where the connection had been.  This too was easier; as a teenager, he had not known the shape of himself, had not know where that slightly empty place was.  Now, after years spent probing at the original broken connection, he knew exactly where to cast his attention.  

Finding the place where his connection to Sara should be, he directed the accumulated energy to it.  He held it there tightly, letting it grow and allowing his nerves to settle.  Then he released it.

The first time he had done this, the energy had flowed out of him in a steady stream, filled with a directionless eagerness.  Now, he knew exactly where it should go.  The energy didn’t flow out of him, it  _ shot _ out, filled with all the hope in his heart.

The moshae had warned him that if the connection could be formed, it would always be one sided.  She had told him to be careful, that he was so much more powerful now than when he was fifteen, the backwash of energy would be more powerful as well.  He had fully expected that she would be correct, and although he could not - in that moment - control the force of the energy he put into creating the connection, he did remember to brace himself.  Without an open connection on Sara’s end, that force would come back to him.

Except it didn’t.

For one, haunted moment that seemed to last an eternity, Jaal thought something had gone wrong again.  No echo, no answer, no snap.  Just… nothing. 

Then, a growing joy.  Elation.  His own feelings, not just received, not just accepted, but welcomed and returned.  The connection between them was fully open, and he felt Sara’s own joy and - yes - her love for him, flowing back along the connection and into him.  The force of her emotions brought tears to his eyes.  The energy she sent along the connection knocked him over backwards.

Jaal opened his eyes to find himself sprawled on the floor of the anj paara, staring up at his true mother with tears in his eyes.  She was smiling broadly.

Before he could think of anything to say, the moshae’s serene voice broke the silence.

“Jaal has successfully completed the Ritual.  It seems his soulmate has - somehow - managed the same.  It is a true connection, and stronger than any I have seen.  Congratulations, Jaal ama Darav.”

The moshae’s words seemed to break the trance his family had fallen into.  A few spoke quietly, and in an instant, the anj paara descended into chaos.  This most unusual and spectacular Ritual would be remembered for years, he knew.

Jaal stood, hugged Sahuna and Sjefa briefly, and ignored the rest of his family as he made his way out of the anj paara.  A moment’s thought, and he knew exactly where to find Sara.  He smiled at the knowledge, jogged across the landing pad to the cliff, and started to climb.

 

* * *

 

Exhausted after the effort of directing her biotics in a strange new way, Sara decided to stay on her comfortable perch and rest before attempting the climb down.  She glanced down, and sighed again over her lack of jump jets.  She didn’t know if her efforts had been successful, she suspected she wouldn’t know until Jaal was finished with his Ritual, if then.  He would know, she was certain.

She didn’t expect to feel anything from his Ritual, but she was very glad she was sitting down when he performed it.  

The connection between them, which she had been picturing to herself as a wispy sort of bridge made of cobwebs of thought and emotion,  _ slammed  _ into place without warning.  Jaal’s determination was apparent in each aspect of it, it was solid and certain, and he didn’t waste any time in letting it settle gently between them.  For an instant, it felt like being impaled.  The force of it knocked her over, and set her biotics sparking around her in response.

Her first inclination was to push it away - this was much more present than she had expected, much more of  _ him _ than she had expected.  Then, the connection established, his feelings washed over it and into her. 

For the first time since she was eighteen years old, she felt her soulmate’s emotions, and they carried more love for her than she had ever imagined to exist in the universe.  She didn’t even need to think about her response, she was already embracing his love for her and returning it.  Her own emotions flowed through the connection in a way she had never been aware of before.

She felt his joy in her response, and shared it.

She knew that he was coming to her as soon as he thought it and she stood up, determined to climb back down to meet him as he left the anj paara.  His own thought, his pleasure upon discovering where she was, stopped her, so she sat down and waited.

 

* * *

 

In much less time than it had ever taken him to climb this far before, Jaal reached Sara.  He would have liked to just stare at her,  _ here _ in the spot which held so many memories for him, but he was out of breath and his arms were trembling with the effort of the climb, so he heaved himself up and sat next to her, breathing hard.

He had almost caught his breath when he lost it again; Sara moved over to sit next to him, her left arm, hip, and thigh pressing against his right arm, hip, and thigh.  The contact increased the sharing between them, and her happiness and wonder washed over him.

“Sara Ryder.”  He said it in a wondering voice, feeling as if he had known her his entire life and yet had just met her.

She smiled, though she was staring out over the valley.  Her attention was all turned inward and he could feel her wonder as she brushed against the emotions that danced between them.

“Jaal ama Darav.”

She spoke only his name, but it sounded like music coming from her, wrapped in joy and wonder and love.

Jaal laughed aloud, making the valley echo with his happiness.


	20. Chapter 20

Jaal and Sara sat there until the sun began sinking towards the horizon, casting long shadows over the valley.  They didn’t speak, just sat quietly, touching, and exploring the flow of emotions between them.  When the shadows grew, they began the climb down.

“I would love for you to meet my family, Sara.  May we remain here tonight?”

Sara smiled.  “Of course, Jaal.  I’d like that.”

As they approached Jaal’s family home, a slim anagara woman stepped out, and ran towards them.

“Jaal!  Jaal!”  Sara couldn’t help smiling at the delight in her voice.

“Sara, this is my true mother.  Sahuna Ama Darav.”

She felt Jaal’s pleasure in making this introduction, his hope that she and his mother would care for one another, so Sara stepped forward and hugged Sahuna.

“Nice to meet you.”  She felt awkward, but Sahuna returned the hug, and greeted her warmly.

“He’s my favorite,” Sahuna continued.  “Smart, loyal, kind.”  

Ryder grinned, it seemed that Jaal’s family valued him more highly than he had led her to believe.  But Sahuna was still listing Jaal’s virtues and Sara could feel his rising embarrassment fluttering over their connection; that made her smile all the more as Sahuna kept adding to her list.

“A great shot.  Writes poetry… sews.”

Finally, Jaal interjected.  “Mother.”  Ryder had to bite her lip to keep from laughing.  She had never seen him so discomfited before.  Sahuna seemed pleased with herself; she bid them farewell and hurried off.

Ryder turned an innocent look on Jaal.  “Your mother’s in the Resistance?”  With her amusement dancing across the bond between them, her assumed innocence didn’t fool him at all.

“Yes.”  He chuckled, then added as if imparting a great secret.  “And every child is her favorite.”

 

* * *

 

Jaal was pleased with how the visit was going so far.  Sahuna had been welcoming of Sara, her eyes and voice clear of any hesitation.  His true mother’s teasing had helped Sara to relax as well.

He could feel her growing bewilderment as they walked through the common room of his home.  He offered introductions as quickly as he could, finally realizing that without any way of sensing the bioelectric fields of those around her, Sara would find the milling angara somewhat overwhelming.  Fortunately, they were near enough to an escape.

“And here’s my room.  My tiny sanctuary.”  He could feel how much Sara wanted to please him, and his family, so he didn’t comment on her confusion, aside from saying, “We like to live this way.”

He shuffled some items off the bed, apparently his room was being used for storage in his absence, and was surprised to find a very particular box beneath them all.

“Oh no.  Who put this here?”

He sat with it on his lap, hoping Sara would join him.  When she did, he smiled and opened the container.

Ryder peered over his shoulder.  “Schematics?  Of...”  Her voice trailed off as she tried to make sense of his hand drawn schematics.

“When I was seven, my aunt stole a kett weapon for me.  So I took it apart.  To learn.”

“And that is - was - a kaerkyn?”

“Pet kaerkyn.”  He correct, smiling slightly at the memory.  “Alfit.  He died.  So I also took him apart.”

“To…. learn?”  He could feel a confused mix of emotions from her.  Amusement, surprise, distaste.

The last stung, and he asked defensively, “Why not?”

Amusement seemed to be winning, and she didn’t push the point.

 

* * *

 

Watching Jaal sift through his childhood treasures loosened something in Ryder.  They may not have shared anything through his childhood, as she had shared emotions with her soulmate through her own childhood, but they were together now.  She saw the wisdom in her mother’s words about letting go of the past; now she was able to truly do so, and embrace her present.

The peace that swept over her left a warm glow in its wake, and she leaned over to rest her head on Jaal’s shoulder.  He set his treasures aside and turned toward her, one hand rising to cup her cheek before he kissed her.

Their first kiss, after all they had been through.  The physical contact strengthened the soulmate connection, allowing their emotions to be felt more clearly.  Love and happiness danced between them; shared, strengthened, and returned.

When they moved apart, Sara looked up at him.

“Will it always be like this?  Will I always be so… aware of your feelings?”

Jaal laughed quietly.  “I do not know.  Even the moshae does not know; our connection is stronger than any she has seen.  Whether this is because of what you did, or because we formed it as adults - stronger in ourselves and our powers, or simply a result of what we have both been through… I do not know.  I suspect it will fade somewhat, in a day or so, and I will have to concentrate to feel your emotions this clearly.  I look forward to finding out.  With you.

“There is one more thing I would like to show you.”  He stood up, tugging her to her feet as well.  “Lie down.”

When she was settled, Jaal moved to the wall, and flicked a switch.

She knew he felt her amazement as a miniature galaxy filled the room.  She smiled up at it, the stars and nebulae slowly wheeling above her.  Jaal came and settled himself next to her.

“You made that?”  She smiled.  “Where are we?”

He hummed thoughtfully, eyes searching the brightness above them.  Finally, he pointed, slightly to the left.  “There.  It is not accurate.  More of a dream, really.  Just one more thing I want to take apart and figure out.”

She wasn’t paying attention to his caveats, her eyes instead mapping the stars and the distances between them.  After several silent moments, she lifted her arm, and pointed off to her right at a point down the wall, outside of his creation. 

“So, I’m from about… there.”

They were both silent for a moment, considering the vast space between their two hands.  Then, Jaal reached over with his free hand and closed his fingers around hers.

“And now, here we are.  Together.”

Sara let the peace of that word wash over her, and felt it wash over him as well.  They laid silently beneath Jaal’s galaxy, watching the stars dance above them.  

Together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end! Whew! Thank you to everyone who has enjoyed this story! I have greatly appreciated your comments and encouragement, and have enjoyed your reactions to this story. After a break, I will have a one-off or two to add to this universe. If there is anything particular you would like to see, please let me know and I'll try my best.


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